Sercard and Aluas
by KuroDark
Summary: Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing has had enough. Alucard’s mischievous antics were going to be stopped. But when the punishment accidently extends to Seras, the vampires switch bodies. Can they survive as each other?
1. Prologue

Prologue:

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing had had enough. Alucard's mischievous antics were going to be stopped. She fingered the atomic molecule changer that was disguised as a pen on her desk. She then glanced at a nearby potted plant and had a tight-lipped smile.

"Alucard!" she called out, hiding the pen in her pocket.

"Yes, master?" responded Alucard's voice, his body appearing from through the floor a few seconds later.

"I'm sick of your childish games, Alucard," Integra said while glancing at papers on her desk. "I'm afraid I'll have to punish you."

Alucard grinned, showing off his sharp fangs. "Punish?" he asked sounding amused.

Integra gave him a stern look. "Punish," she confirmed.

"And may I ask, how are you going to…uh…'punish' me?"

"You may ask. But I'd rather just show you," she held up the pen and pointed it at Alucard.

"Oh, very clever, master, what are you going to do? Ink me to death?" Alucard said sarcastically.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't _dream_ of it," Integra said rather evilly, "Do you like plants, Alucard?"

"…I suppose so."

"How 'bout that one?" she gestured to the plant in the corner.

"It's…very pretty…." Alucard murmured now sounding a little scared.

"Glad you like it," Integra smirked and then pushed the button. Unfortunately, at that very moment the door opened and Seras Victoria entered the room. Alucard and Seras had almost identical expressions of shock as the blue light from the pen enveloped them. Integra gasped and turned pale. She frantically tried to turn the atomic molecule changer off, but only succeeded in turning the beam purple.

After about five minutes the light stopped and the vampires got off the floor. Integra groaned. Both of them looked at her to see if she was alright, but she ignored them and buried her face in her hands.

"What was that?" asked Seras awkwardly after a while, "Wait…why is my voice different…"

She turned to see her own body staring at her with wild, wide eyes. There was complete silence for thirty seconds then two high-pitched screams rung around the building followed by the hysterical sobs of Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed that! I'll try to update soon. R&R please.


	2. Day One

Disclaimer: None of the marvelous characters (who are ooc) are mine.

When I say Seras I mean Seras in Alucard's body and when I say Alucard I mean Alucard in Seras' body. Just thought I should clear that up. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

Seras Victoria stared with a horrified expression at Alucard. This could not be happening. She closed her eyes and shook her head, which did nothing but scare her further as she felt her new shaggy, black hair brush her new neck. She slowly opened one eye and peered out at her body. This could NOT be happening.

"Umm...Master?" asked Alucard (Alucard in Seras' body). Seras shivered at hearing her voice come out of her mouth without her saying anything...or even being in her body. "Can you by any chance...switch us back?" continued Seras...Alucard.

"No," 'Master' groaned, "I don't get the molecule change-backer until the end of next week.

"You mean we have to stay like this for two weeks!!!" exclaimed Seras

"I'm aware of that," said Integra her composure now regained, "I suggest that you do not inform the soldiers of what has happened here today. Now leave. I have paperwork to attend to."

Alucard gazed at her openmouthed. "That's it! 'Now leave. I have paperwork to do.' In case you haven't noticed OUR BODIES HAVE BEEN SWITCHED! I think that's kind of important!"

"Control you temper, Alucard," Integra snapped, "I know what has happened, but has I cannot fix it then there is no use dwelling on it. Now leave."

Seras and Alucard left the room with much grumbling and snide glances at each other. Once they were in the hallway and the door was shut behind them they turned to face each other. "Looks like we're gonna have to do some 'quality bonding' if the soldiers aren't supposed to know," Seras commented tentatively.

Alucard grunted in response. Seras sighed. "Come on. We'll talk in my room." She (he?) turned and walked down a flight of stairs and into the basement where she entered her room. Alucard shuffled along behind her. They both sat around the table in the middle of the room and stared around determinedly at everything but each other.

"Well…," Alucard began after some time, "You wanted to talk so let's talk."

"Ok then, I'll just tell you everything about me that you need to know,' Seras responded somewhat enthusiastically. Alucard just stared at her. "Ya…ok then, I don't swear, like never ever, I get up at 7:30 every night and go to the shooting range, my favorite color is pink..,"

"Police Girl?"

"Yes, Master?"

"How on earth is your favorite color relevant?"

Seras blushed, "Well, You wanted to know about me…"

"No," Alucard corrected, "You wanted me to know about you." Out of nowhere, seemingly, his face seemed to pale even more then usual. "Police Girl?" he said again, this time with a slight tremor in his voice.

"Yes, Master?"

"Um…well, it's wet….down there…," confided Alucard.

Seras almost started to laugh, but then she remembered who exactly it was in her body. "Well, Master, that would be your period."

"My what? That doesn't sound good. And besides, whatever it is, it's yours. I want nothing to do with it."

"Unfortunately, you're going to have to deal with it. Every few weeks a female's body cleans itself out so as to be ready to get pregnant."

"Why do you need to be ready to be pregnant?" Alucard questioned in a disbelieving tone.

"Well, I don't necessarily, but all girls get it," Seras blushed, "Anyway, you need to apply a tampon and keep that area clean."

Alucard looked as if she told him he was to be on Death Row and couldn't regenerate. "I will not 'apply a tampon'. I want to see as little of your body as possible."

"It'll only last for three to five days," she consoled him. Alucard did not seem consoled. If anything he looked even more frightened.

"Three to five days?! This can't be happening!!! NO!!!!!!!" he ran to a nearby wall and began to smack his head on the stone.

"Alucard, don't!" exclaimed Seras and she ran over and easily stopped his antics. _Wow, _She thought, _being in his body could really have some perks. Look how strong I am now!_ When she realized Alucard was crying she turned her attention back to him. "Its' really not that bad," she soothed, "Just do what I said and you might even forget you have it."

Alucard looked at her with a slight hope shining trough his tears. "Really?" Seras nodded. "Ok then!" he said his cheerfulness slightly disturbing. "Now, what's a tampon?" Seras took him to the bathroom to show him just what a tampon was.

Meanwhile, Integra was rubbing her temples and staring at her desk. _What have I done?_ she thought, _I just took my two best agents and turned them into each other. What are they going to do? Alucard can't survive as Seras…he just can't. And Seras can't be Alucard, _she groaned softly, _and what'll I do if Iscariot ever finds out?_

After about half an hour, Alucard emerged from the bathroom looking slightly shaken, but a bit proud of himself as well. He had done everything Seras had told him to. He managed to take a shower without throwing up to much (mostly due to having to 'keep the area clean') and successfully applied a tampon. Now he felt like he could conquer the world. Seras stopped pacing when she heard the door open and smiled when she saw Alucard's face.

"So, how'd it go?" she questioned once the steam cleared away.

"After, the first five minutes it wasn't too bad until, I had to clean…down there."

Seras shuddered slightly at the thought but was pleased that her charge seemed to have grasped the period quite quickly. "Well, then," she pointed out, "that wasn't so bad after all."

"Ya, ya, alright," Alucard acknowledged, "You were right. I survived."

"Yup I was right," her eyes widened, "Oh, no."

"What?"

"I have to go to the bathroom….." Seras Victoria stared with a horrified expression at Alucard. This could not be happening.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Any ideas for what misfortunes can befall them are appreciated. R&R, please.


	3. Day One Cont

A/N: Glad everyone seemed to like the last chappie! The brilliant idea for this chapter came from the brilliant MegFallow. Remember all ideas are welcome.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (Kohta Hirano does) nor the plot for this chap (MegFallow gets that one).

Chapter 2:

Seras managed to live through going to the bathroom, even though Alucard point blank refused to show her how. She smiled slightly as she remembered the look of horror and disgust on her face. Seras had almost made it to the door into her room, when Alucard's voice resounded in her head.

Go through the wall. 

Why? She complained, and how anyway?

Because I told you to and if you're supposed to be me then your going to have to learn how to use my powers. Besides, it's really easy.

That's great, she replied sarcastically, but that doesn't explain how. She heard Alucard sigh loudly and took a small pleasure in knowing that she was annoying him.

You're annoying me.

She grinned. I know.

Just imagine yourself going through the wall. If it helps, then just tell yourself that there is no wall, just an open doorway or just an empty field, whatever suits your fancy.

_Hmm,_ Seras considered, _Ok, that's not so hard. An open doorway. _She approached the wall slowly then put her hands out tentatively. To her intense surprise they went through the wall. _Sweet_, she thought with a little grin of victory and walked through the wall.Alucard was sitting in the exact spot where she had left him. _Wow,_ she thought, _Alucard looks __**fine.**_

Alucard just happened to be reading her thoughts at the time (a power he was still happy to have kept throughout the transformation) and looked slightly disturbed. Actually, his eyes widened in complete horror and he almost ran screaming from the room, judging by the fact she was staring (drooling slightly I might add) at her OWN body.

"Eh….you feeling all right?" he asked nervously.

"Huh?" questioned Seras, revealing the true capacity of her intellect, then she shook her head wildly, "Woah!!! What just happened? Why did I just think you…I….you (?) looked…….**sexy**!?!?!?!?" she finished disgustedly.

"Well…..uh….I don't know how to break this to you…..but…..uh….wow this is awkward…you see….um…i-it's….," he mumbled something.

"Afraid I didn't catch that last bit," said Seras with a false cheeriness in her voice.

"Vampire mating season," blushed Alucard (A/N: since when does he blush?! Since you made him… Shut up!).

Seras blinked, "What?!?!?!?!?!?" she screamed, "Not only do I have to be in your body, I have to go through your frickin' HORMONES?! How unfair is that?!?!?!?"

"We-well," stuttered Alucard (A/N: Stuttering too now are we?), "I do have to go through your period. Besides, at least you're not going to have to be attacked by all sex-crazed guy vampires," he paused," Actually, since you'll probably be fighting to mate someone you probably will be…depends on your choice of girl really….YOU PICK ME YOU DIE!" he roared suddenly, concluding his monologue.

Seras looked as if she was about to faint, "Mate?" she choked, "No…no. Where will we see other vampires? Besides, killing them I mean."

"Well, you see," Alucard paled drastically (A/N: How feminine. Haha.), "Oh, no."

"What?" asked Seras frantically, "What now?"

"Um….thankfully, the vampire mating season only lasts a night. Meaning, it really isn't a season so to speak, but…"

"Get on with it!" Seras snapped (A/N: Temper, temper.), "Wait. It only lasts a night? How does that work out?"

"All vampires have one night to find a mate and that's who you get…unless you already had one….or you want to eat them or something, then they go Bye-bye! If you don't get someone that night, then you're pretty much screwed. No mating for you," he shrugged, "Anyway, since male vampires always get REALLY annoying during that night…,"

"You don't need any more testosterone to be annoying…you're already a homicidal maniac," Seras muttered.

Alucard glared at her, but said nothing. "ANYWAY, during that night I always get sent away. There's this place where a lot of vampires go on that night, tonight. I always hang out there and…enjoy the festivities."

"Do….do you….uh…."find" a mate?" asked Seras tentatively, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

"As I would be ordered to kill them, no," Alucard grinned slightly.

"Do you think Sir Integra forgot?"

"What time is it?"

Seras checked the clock that Alucard could have checked if he wasn't so lazy as to not be able to turn his head, no, his eyes 8 degrees to the right.

"8:00 pm"

"Then the night is still young and we will probably be sent off in about five seconds." Almost as if on cue, Sir Integra's voice rang around the manor, calling for Seras and Alucard to "get your scrawny vampire asses up here immediately". They glanced at each other with raised eyebrows, "Told ya so," Alucard smirked.

"Well, let's go." And then, they proceeded to "get their scrawny vampire asses up there immediately".

"I assume you've familiarized yourselves with each other," Sir Integra said, as soon as they were in the room, without even glancing up from her desk. Alucard and Seras exchanged glances.

"Yeah," Alucard lied at the same time Seras remarked, "Kind of".

Sir Integra gave them a stern glance, but did not comment on the matter.

"Are we here to be sent to the Mating Grounds?" asked Alucard after a length of time that caused almost all occupants of the room to squirm uncomfortably (keep in mind Walter was probably in there as well, for Integra did not squirm….she just induced the squirming).

"Yes. I assume you told Seras what's going on?"

"Yes, Master."

"Good. The helicopter is ready. Give me you're weapons, then go on you're way."

Seras waited for Alucard to distribute his pistols until she realized that they were in her possession.

"Right," she said and walked forward pulling out the guns, relishing how well they fit into her hands and the ease that she held them, and laid them on Sir Integra's desk somewhat reluctantly.

"Excellent. Everything is in order. Get along now," Integra shooed them away.

Alucard and Seras turned and left her office before falling into step next to each other on their way to the roof and helicopter pad.

"Remember, the soldiers must believe you are me," Alucard said in his tone of usual correctness.

"Yes, yes, I know. Stop pestering me," Seras grouched waving her hands at him impatiently.

"That was a classic example of something I would **not** do," Alucard commented grabbing one of her wrists and forcing it down to her side. Seras gasped slightly at the tingle on her skin from where he had touched. Alucard rolled his eyes. "I can already tell this is going to be a disaster."

"Shut up," replied Seras her composure somewhat returned. They reached the helicopter pad a few seconds later and Seras' coattails caught the downdraft. She enjoyed the feeling of the cool, nighttime air before climbing in.

As soon as everyone was buckled in and had their headsets on, the helicopter lifted off. Seras could not help but be excited. She had never ridden in a helicopter before and she was sure it would be thrilling.

"How long until we get there?" she asked the pilot.

"Just about 45 minutes," the pilot responded, looking at her curiously, "You've taken this trip many times before, Alucard, shouldn't you know that by now?"

Seras blushed, "Oh, yes, right, just testing you," she finished lamely. Next to her, Alucard scowled and stared out the window.

Idiot.

Well excuse me. I've never done this before. 

You still should have known better. 

Whatever. And the rest of the trip was left in stony silence.

A/N: Wow. These just keep getting longer and longer. I'll finish Day 1 soon. That is a llllooooonnnnnnnggggg day/night. Anyway, please R&R and check out my Story Ideas. With that I salute you. Penis!


	4. Day One Cont Again

A/N: Ya. If you haven't read the first chapter I suggest you do so now. Thanks to MegFallow for the plot. This is the continuation of Day 1.

Disclaimer: I disclaim Hellsing.

Chapter 3:

The helicopter began its slow descent over a clearing in the middle of the forest.

"Is this it?" asked Seras her nose wrinkled disdainfully.

The pilot once again looked at her strangely. "..No…" Alucard smacked his head against the window.

"Um…ya...I just had a 'moment'. Sorry about that," replied Seras hastily, eyeing Alucard's evil expression with fear and concern. That could not be good for his arteries.

I heard that, he growled his expression now quite alarming.

Uh...hehe. She shied away from him when he snarled. "Woah, Bessie."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!! PMS!!!! PPPPPMMMMMMMSSSSSSS!" For quite some time the helicopter was shaking to hard to land and there were various whimpers coming from Alucard (Seras). Once, the fight had finished and all various body parts had been regenerated (A/N: wince Ohhh, can you imagine what he injured?), the chopper finally landed and Alucard and Seras proceeded in leaving it.

"I'll pick you up at 4:38 tomorrow morning," the pilot called out. (A/N: I felt like it, gosh!)

"Thank you!" called Alucard merrily his eyes twinkling (A/N: Omg. Mood swings.) and Seras did nothing but limp and moan. Alucard eyed her with contempt. "You coming?"

"Ya," panted Seras her voice oddly high-pitched. The two then marched (and limped) into the surrounding trees. After about five minutes of marching (and limping) various sounds of raging battles and gossip approached their ears. They broke through the last remaining trees and saw an amazing sight. In the middle of the forest there was a huge field, the size of three foot ball fields in each direction. Half the field was covered in tents for the vampires to…"sleep" in, the other half was a writhing mass of bodies as the various battles ranged about. Seras stared in wonder at all this. There were many vampires, around three hundred of them.

"A few," Seras croaked, "You said there would only be a FEW vampires here!" she stated her voice growing louder with each word and her eyes flashing as she whirled to face Alucard.

"What do you consider a few?" asked Alucard with sincere confusion in his voice.

"Like fifty or something."

Alucard laughed loudly. "Fifty! Are you kidding me? We have to find mates, not play-dates."

Seras growled softly and turned back to the field. "Well, I guess there's no use standing here. Where do we hang out?"

"There is no we. I have to stay with the females," he shuddered slightly and looked disgusted, "and you have to stay with the males."

"But," Seras began.

"Look, you don't have to do anything or talk to anyone. Believe it or not, I have a reputation for being 'bad-ass'."

"I'll believe it. But what'll you do?"

Alucard looked as though his death was approaching rapidly. "Gossip," he whispered through trembling lips. Seras looked concerned for his mental health.

"Um…well, good luck with that. It really isn't so bad."

"For you maybe!" he snapped, "But, now I have to drone on and on about how 'Oh, Melvin has been working out.' and 'Look at the Pete. Mmm.'" he said this all with a mocking air about him.

Seras looked affronted, "That is not what girls talk about!"

"…."

"It's not! We talk about other things like……," she thought for a moment or two, "Ok, you're right. Just don't go overboard with the mmmm-ing"

"Fine," he hissed and stalked off towards the female vampires.

Seras shook her head. "After tonight, I will never be able to show my face in public again. I mean come on 'Look at that Pete. Mmm.'. Who says that I ask you?" she mumbled to herself as she walked through the crowds of battling men. She was happy to see that she was given a wide berth by all her fellow vampires and several gave her scared glances. _I wonder what he did that made everyone so afraid of him,_ she thought curiously eyeing what looked suspiciously like a hot dog vendor fighting with a dentist. _Probably gave someone a can of whoop-ass or something,_ she decided after the two did in fact prove to be a hot dog vendor and dentist. She walked briskly and soon reached the exact middle of the field. _Now what?_ She glanced around anxiously as though hoping to read a sign post that said 'Alucard get over here now' but she had no such luck. She stared around for a bit, and then shrugged and plopped down on the floor her legs folded. _Oh ya, can't get much better then this._ Then, oddly enough, she drifted off to sleep.

Meanwhile, Alucard was in the midst of the females, many of whom smelled strongly of a wine/blood mix called blone (A/N: Clever huh?). Alucard had never much like blone and now he found it all around himself. _I hate life,_ he thought sadistically. Once he reached the center of the talking females he found himself being shoved down.

"Hi!" one annoyingly plastic looking blonde squealed, "My names Marissa! What's yours?"

Alucard almost said just that (A/N: Alucard if you didn't get that.) but caught himself just in time. "Al-Seras," he murmured.

"What kind of name is that?" broke in a red-head, "My name's Becky by the way. Who on earth decided to name you Alseras?"

"Uh…" stuttered Alucard his brain telling him to decapitate and laugh.

"Whatever," exclaimed Marissa, giving him a giant hug, "She's with us now!"

_Kill me now, _thought Alucard desperately staring at a sharp looking tent pole with a longing expression.

"So, Alseras, you ever been here before?" asked Becky a bright (not in intelligence) smile on her face.

"Uh…no," he answered (A/N: Well he's not lying, in Seras' body he hasn't).

"Oh yay! A newbie!!! We'll show you the ropes won't we Becky?" squealed Marissa happily.

Alucard stared at them dumbly. There was no way anyone could be this….stupid.

"Ok, so obviously you now why you're here," giggled Becky, "What you do is show off. You make sure guys see you and think you're hot, and then you sit back and enjoy the show. You see those two there?" she asked pointing out the hot dog vendor and dentist Seras had noticed earlier.

"Uh…ya."

"Those are my guys!" she grinned joyfully, her face resembling a VERY shiny balloon.

"…yay?"

"I know! She's soooo lucky!" Marissa threw a jealous look at Becky, "But, then, you don't seem to be doing so bad either…" she smiled waggling her eyebrows.

"Whadda mean?" asked Alucard, his senses on high alert; something was going on here….

"Well, we saw you with that Alucard guy."

"…………….."

Becky grinned and nudged Marissa. "I told you! So," she urged, "Does he have a nice attitude to match that body?" she gave a high-pitched giggle. Alucard nearly killed himself right there.

"Um…ya. Totally," he affirmed after a while, "I guess so."

"He is so dreamy," Marissa sighed staring about the field as though hoping to find him (though she was talking to him).

Alucard choked. "What?"

"Alucard is sexy," Marissa said slowly giving Alucard a look as though he were crazy, "You see that tree?" she asked, gesturing to a large oak near the females' campsite.

"Yes…..." Alucard answered just as slowly knowing full well what was coming next.

"He always stands over there, leaning against that tree. It's sooo hot. Whenever someone walks by him he gives them the creepiest smile. It's still sexy, though."

By this point, Alucard had trouble not fainting. So, this is what the girls talked about. It was even worse then he had imagined. He tried to say something but all that emitted was a faint gurgling sound.

"I wonder where he is," puzzled Becky, "I don't see him anywhere. Did he tell you where he was going?" she asked turning back to him.

He shook his head mutely trying his very hardest not to crack, kill everyone, the fall down in a dead faint. Come to think of it though, he didn't know where Seras had run off to. Maybe he should contact her just in case. There were a lot of fights going on and he didn't want her to get hurt. Of course, she could never know that he even cared, but she was his fledgling and it was his job to keep her safe. He reached out his mind and searched, but found no one. He was confused, but figured he must have done something wrong and tried again. It was the same result.

"Honey?" said Marissa's voice, bringing him back to their conversation.

"Sorry, what?"

"Well, Becky was just saying how she once got smiled at by Alucard and you just dozed off and then Dianna came back with some more blone," she commentated gesturing to a new girl, a brunette, who had suddenly appeared carrying a tray.

Alucard took all this in, eyeing the tray with disgust. Dianna misread the expression. "Would you like some?" she asked holding the tray out to him.

"No thanks," he responded quickly revulsion apparent all over him.

"Omigawd!" cried Becky suddenly and the other three turned to face her quickly.

"What?" questioned Marissa.

"I SEE HIM!" Marissa and Dianna joined in with Becky's excited screams and they looked around frantically exclaiming "Where? Where?". After quite a commotion, the girls caught sight of him and watched him walk towards the oak. _Hmmm…she's good, _Alucard thought to himself allowing a small smile to grace his lips.

Read my mind, did you? He asked her telepathically.

Her grin was apparent to all the females surrounding him, who almost fainted with joy. Ya. You just had a picture of yourself leaning against that tree so I figured what the heck? Why not?

Excellent. Where were you?

Her smile disappeared causing all the girls to exchange sad glances. I….was busy.

Alucard, or Alseras as he was known to his new "friends", eyes narrowed slightly. Busy doing what? He asked dangerously.

Um…well…I…, she stammered, I was…, she hung her head, sleeping.

Alucard nearly laughed. He contained himself just in time. Where were you sleeping?

Seras' blush could be seen from fifty feet away. In the middle of the field. 

This time Alucard couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. The other three girls looked at him with surprised expressions.

"How is that funny?" asked Marissa staring at him with slight disdain.

"Hmm…What was that?" he asked looking up from the ground, the laughter not quite dead in his eyes.

"How is Alucard acting different funny?"

"Oh, that's not what I was laughing at. I didn't even hear that. I was thinking about something else that's all." The other girls stared at him, apparently at a loss for words. "Sorry?" he added after the silence had stretched on awkwardly enough.

"Ya…."

"Um…I have to go," Alucard lied suddenly, "Bye, ladies."

"Where are you going?"

Alucard just smiled, then turned and began to walk towards the oak tree where Seras stood. Dianna, Becky, and Marissa stared after him openmouthed.

"She's gonna get him…," murmured Dianna in awe after a while. The other two just nodded.

Once Alucard reached the tree, he leaned up against it in the classic "I'm cool and you know it" pose. "So, want to tell me why you were snoozing in the middle of the battlefield?" he questioned once he got comfortable.

"Well, I didn't mean to." Alucard snorted, which was actually a suppressed laugh but Seras mistook it for a sign of anger. "I'm sorry. Really. I don't know what came over me."

"Whatever. Did you know that you have a fan club?" he chided.

"Excuse me?"

Alucard grinned deviously. "Actually I have a fan club. They all think I'm hot," he said gesturing to the crowd of girls that were staring with longing expressions at Seras.

"The worst thing that could have happened to you," Seras moaned shaking her head, "They inflated your already over large ego."

Alucard smiled. "It has every right to be large; after all I'm dangerous AND sexy!" He laughed manically and Seras shook her head.

"What time is it?" she asked suddenly.

Alucard glanced at his wrist (A/N: There was a watch there, he can't just tell the time by staring at his arm.). "10:30," he replied looking surprised, "Wow, the time's going pretty fast."

"Not fast enough," groaned Seras.

"And why is that?" inquired Alucard.

"Because I have to deal with your 'fan club' and I have to deal with your ego."

Alucard threw back his head and had a hearty chuckle. "You have to deal with more then that!"

"Huh?" Alucard pointed to a burly vampire that looked as if he could easily be a sumo wrestler. "What about him?"

"He's gonna fight you," observed Alucard, "Cuz he THINKS I'M SEXY!!!!" and with that he ran off into the crowd of girls laughing hysterically.

Seras gulped loudly, she may be taller then this man, but he sure was wider. He looked as though if he decided to charge she would be squashed flat.

"That your girl?" grunted the man when he reached grunting distance.

"Uh…."

"I want her."

Seras started smiling evilly. "Go ahead."

The man stared dumbly. "But, we're supposed to fight for her…"

"Well, never mind then," said Seras suddenly, it finally occurring to her that that was HER body.

"Uh…" The man wasn't to smart, but then being really fat doesn't take much intelligence.

Seras deftly flipped him off and wished for her guns. The man opened his mouth to protest angrily to this, but Seras had already turned and disappeared into the center of the girls.

_This is the stupidest thing I have ever done, _she thought a few minutes later as she struggled through them, hands reaching out to touch her as if she was a famous rock star.

I think that is the stupidest thing you have ever done, suggested Alucard in her head.

Ya think?! She heard Alucard laugh and she desperately wished she knew how to use his powers.

After a struggle of about ten minutes, she reached the still laughing Alucard. "What time is it?" she snapped.

"10:45," he replied checking his watch again.

Seras groaned. "Come on, we're getting out of here. I can't take this anymore."

Alucard rolled his eyes but gamely followed behind her until they were passing Dianna, Becky, and Marissa.

"Ohmigawd! YOU'RE AMAZING!" screamed Marissa, jumping up and down. Seras observed this with fear kindled in her eyes.

"Can I touch him?" asked Becky as though Seras were a dog.

Alucard smirked. "Go ahead."

The three girls squealed and reached out their hands. "He's so strong!" squealed Marissa.

Dianna nodded and closed her eyes. "Just think we get to brag that WE TOUCHED ALUCARD!" The three girls then proceeded to dance around in a very disturbing manner while Seras resisted the urge to collapse and cry for her mommy. Alucard found this too be funny enough and began to lead her out of the mass of women.

"So, I told you they thought I was sexy," he commented once they had entered the forest again.

"Shut up," snapped Seras, "Why did you let them touch me?"

Alucard laughed. Seras snarled and jumped on him, which caused quite a ruckus around the girls who still could see them. After several minutes of fighting, (the girls practically died of jealousy) Seras whimpered and gave in while once again, Alucard remained the triumphant victor.

"I lied, by the way," he announced suddenly.

"Huh?"

"It's not 10:45."

Seras groaned. "Oh come on. You almost had my hopes up."

He grinned wildly. "It's 11:45."

Seras heart lifted. "Really?" she asked her excitement barely contained.

"Really?"

"YES!" she punched the air, "An hour less to go! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!" Almost every female heard this exclamation and there was a loud collective gasp then a loud collective thud as every girl dropped down in a dead faint. Seras stared at them. "Oops…"

Behind her, Alucard fainted from lack of oxygen from laughing so hard. Seras frowned. "He's too sexy for his own good," she muttered shaking her head. Then she sat down next to a tree, listened to the sounds of the men freaking out, smiled, and drifted off once more.

A/N: My longest chapter yet! That was a pretty interesting type, if I do say so myself. That took me about two and a half hours of continuous typing. Poor Nagrom, she was watching the whole time. Hope you enjoyed it. That's the end of Day 1, only 13 to go. I need ideas. Oh, and they get picked up at the beginning of Day 2. And don't ask why Alucard sleeps so much, cuz I don't know. Anyway, laugh as much as you like. With that I salute you. Penis!


	5. Day Two Just Begun

Chapter 4:

Alucard sat up slowly and looked around blearily. _Where am I?_ he thought confused for a few seconds before it all came back to him. _Oh. _He heard a person yawn and stretch and he turned to see himself waking up.

"Welcome back to the world of the undead," he commented once Seras had fully regained consciousness. She grumbled something and stumbled off into the woods.

"Hey Alucard come check this out," she tossed over her shoulder once she reached the tree line. He got up and walked over to where she stood. They stood on a hill-top gazing down at the now-still Mating Grounds. Banners waved slightly from hundreds of tents and everything appeared ghostly and silent in the early morning fog.

Alucard smiled slightly. "It's nice. We need to go now," he said observing the fog completely cover a ten then roll away in a soft breeze.

Seras gazed at him surprised. "Leave? But…well…ok."

Alucard checked his watch and then began to climb down the hill into the valley itself. Seras quickly jogged after him.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"4:30," responded Alucard weaving his way around piles of ash where fires had once stood.

"When's the helicopter coming to pick us up?"

"4:38."

"Oh snap," she murmured and began to walk a little faster. After five of their eight minutes had passed, they reached the other side of the valley.

"How long does it take to get to the clearing?" Seras asked tentatively.

"Five minutes," responded Alucard glaring ahead.

"Oh…we're gonna be late."

"You slept too long!" he snapped at her.

Seras flinched back from him a bit. "You're not a morning person, are you?"

Alucard wheeled around to face her. "I'm a vampire, a creature of the NIGHT. I don't do frisking in a field of flowers while the sun rises." He answered somewhat angrily.

She nodded in response and they continued the rest of the way in silence. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence they began to hear a faint chopping noise. Seras looked up eagerly and began to walk faster as did Alucard. Another minute or so passed before they broke out of the last remaining trees and could see the helicopter. The pilot stood turned away from them and appeared to be looking around confusedly.

"We're here!" called Alucard loudly strolling up behind the pilot. The man turned around quickly and his tense face relaxed when he saw Alucard standing there.

"Ah, Seras. Good, good. I was just getting a tad concerned and it's a little disturbing to be so close to so many enemy vampires," he said giving a shaky smile and wiping his forehead with a handkerchief.

Alucard looked somewhat confused. "I'm not Ser…I mean good man!" he said.

Seras rolled her eyes. What happened to not letting them know?she asked sarcastically in his mind.

Oh shut up, Alucard,he replied. The three piled into the helicopter and the pilot slowly took off.

"How was it tonight, Alucard?" questioned the pilot with a hint of teasing in his voice.

"Fine," grouched Alucard. The pilot looked surprised.

"Er...how was your night Alucard?" he asked looking directly at Seras this time.

"I think Seras just about summed it up," she answered kindly.

And I'm the idiot, she snorted in his head.

Yup, confirmed Alucard yawning quietly, Now leave me alone. I'm tired. Seras watched as he slowly dropped off to sleep before letting the nights adventures drag her down too.

שּﭏשּ

The helicopter touched down gently on the roof of the Hellsing Manor. The pilot stretched then turned around to shake awake the two slumbering vampires. After many grumbles and two punches in the nose and eye he managed to rouse them.

"We're home," he sang cheerily. It had just turned eight o'clock and the sun was much too high for the vampires taste. (The pilot took the "scenic route". wink wink)

Alucard and Seras exchanged looks of determination. "You ready?" he asked his hands on the handle of the door. She nodded grimly. He took one more deep breath then threw open the door and both vampires sprinted across the roof to the door, yowling like a bunch of cats being murdered. Seras reached the door first and slammed into to it with surprising speed, but, unfortunately, she forgot to turn the handle before slamming. There was…er…a rather large Alucard shaped dent from the impact. Alucard rolled his eyes and quickly opened the door and disappeared into the cool, dark interior of the Hellsing manor. Seras got up and stumbled dazedly after him leaving the pilot doubled over with laughter.

"Ooooh," she moaned in a very Dane Cook like voice, "Who ever invented the sun sucks!" Alucard rolled his eyes again.

"Whatever," he grunted turning to walk down a flight of stairs. Seras hobbled after him. They strolled and hobbled down a long hallway before coming to a stop in front of Sir Integra's office.

"You sure she'll be up?" inquired Seras.

"Positive," responded Alucard sounding a lot happier then he had at the clearing. _A little sleep does wonders for a man_, thought Seras with wonder, watching the small smile on her master's face. The two entered the room to find Sir Integra eating a large breakfast.

"Hewoah," she beamed at them through a full mouth.

"That's repulsive," commented Alucard conversationally while Seras just eyed the egg that had fallen out of her mouth with disgust.

Integra glowered. "Vur repuvive," she accused. Alucard shook his head and Seras gave a small yip of surprise. Both Integra and Alucard gazed at her sharply.

"What now?" Alucard asked exasperatedly. Seras pointed wide-eyed to Integra's chestial (A/N: I made up a word!) area. Alucard looked very embarrassed for his fledgling.

"Not her boobs," snapped Seras crossly seemingly to hear the thoughts from the other to beings in the room, "Look. I made that piece of egg float with my mind. I did voo-doo!" Sure enough, the tiny scrap of egg that had fallen from Sir Integra's mouth was floating.

"Oh good job," remarked Alucard sarcastically rolling his eyes, "You've discovered ANOTHER one of my numerous powers. Kudos to you on that marvelous feat."

Seras blushed furiously. "Well, I'm not used to being able to do these things and being in your body."

"That is obvious," he retorted.

"Children please," broke in Integra with her best motherly/teacher voice, "No fights today."

Both vampires stared at her. "Uh…since when are we 'children'? I'm much older then you for one thing," commented Alucard slowly.

Integra shook her head quickly. "I'm sorry, Alucard. I'm just still a bit tired. I haven't had my coffee or morning cigar yet."

Alucard looked stunned, since when did Integra apologize for ANYTHING? Seras' voice interrupted his startled thoughts.

Or her morning shower, judging by the smell, she gagged (in her mind only of course or she would be dead and Alucard would be sobbing in the corner).

Alucard sniffed the air unobtrusively and sure enough a terrible smell wafted to him from Integra's general direction. He wrinkled his mental nose. That's disgusting.

Tell me about it.

Their mental banter was cut short by Integra speaking. "How was the Mating Grounds, Seras?" she asked politely.

"It was…..and adventure," responded Seras after some thought, "It was pretty interesting but not something I'll cherish doing for the rest of my life."

Integra smiled gently. "That's almost exactly what Alucard said after his first night," she remembered.

Alucard scowled. "It was not. I said that 'It was just about the most horrendous thing I had ever been put through and I just might figure out a way to kill myself and then perform it if I have to go again.' Big difference."

Integra rolled her eyes. "Well it had the same basic drift. And you didn't say it, you yelled it."

Now it was Alucard's turn to participate in the 'Eye-rolling Olympics'. Meanwhile, Seras snickered softly in the corner.

"What's your problem?" he snarled at her.

She appeared to be hiding her laughter with no affect. "Was poow-wittle Awucard scwad of de big, mean Mating Gwounds?" she asked in a mock-baby voice.

Alucard looked furious. "Why you little!" he yelled and pounced at her, managing to knock over Sir Integra's ashtray (A/N: How did he do that?!?!) on to said persons lap.

By this time Miss. Hellsing was a little more then annoyed. "ALUCARRRRRDD! SERASSSS!!!! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!!!!!" she screamed spit flying from her mouth and gray ashes sliding off the front of her suit.

The two vampires shut up immediately and fled the office as silver bullets began to pierce the ground behind them. Once the door slammed shut and the sound of a firing gun stopped ringing in their ears they turned and walked down the corridor side-by-side as if nothing had happened.

"Close call," said Seras in a voice that suggested she could have been talking about the weather.

"Ya," agreed Alucard in an equally nonchalant voice.

The two strolled casually down the hallway, their quarrel forgotten.

"So know what do we do?" asked Sears peering out a window and wincing when the sun ht her face.

"Well I don't know about you but I'm retreating to my…," began Alucard but Seras interrupted.

"Your secret lab?!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Uh…no," said Alucard slowly.

"Oh…," she replied sounding extremely disappointed.

Alucard looked slightly disturbed and said "Er…" without moving his mouth. Seras began to grin widely and started skipping down the hall exclaiming the word whee! very loudly.

"Hormones," said a 'dignified' (for lack of a better word) voice behind him…er….her. He whirled around and saw something that made his heart stop. Pip stood there with a 'flirtatious' smirk on his face.

"Uh……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….."

Pip's grin never faltered. "You are looking particularly beautiful today," he drawled, "There's something different about you. I like it. You change your hair?"

"Er…no," stuttered Alucard his heart now beating very fast indeed. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I hate this man…,_ he thought desperately.

"Eat a lot of blood? You have to help me out here," Pip said gesturing with his hands.

"No. Nothing different," said Alucard desperately feeling the air behind for hopes of finding a handy gun, sword, flowerpot, or weapon in general. Sir Integra had gotten too pissed to quickly to return the guns to the two vampires. (A/N: Haha. Too-1, to-3, and two- 1. Think about it. You'll figure it out.)

Pip sidled forward and put a hand right over Alucard's shoulder on the wall behind the said vampire and lent in close. "Well, whatever it is it's very sexy," he inhaled deeply, "You smell good," he leered at Alucard who trembled with fright.

"I gotta go," yelled Alucard suddenly smashing Pip's hand in his haste. The crazed vampire quickly ran away as casually as you can run for your life.

Pip cradled his now broken fingers and glared after the retreating figure. "Something's not right…," he murmured to himself, "Mark my words, vampire. I WILL MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!" he then blushed deeply, "I mean, I'll find out what's different," he mumbled and turned and walked slowly away.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to post. I was busy with finals. Enjoy! Oh, and I reallllly need ideas for what to do to them so reviews telling me would be very much appreciated. And I didn't do anything for Pip's frenchness because I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to write it so corrections for that would be cool to. Toodles!


	6. Day Two Keeps Going

Chapter 5:

9:30 AM

Seras sank onto her bed and fell asleep. (A/N: Great beginning, I know.)

8:00 PM

Alucard cackled quietly as he snuck into his room. Seras lay asleep in his coffin with the lid wide open. He bent down over her, held his face an inch away from her own, and waited.

8:05 PM

Seras woke up slowly. Her eyelids fluttered and she became aware of another presence in the room. She stopped fluttering her eyelids, as the coolness effect of just waking up from a refreshing nap had worn off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed in such a high voice that a window two stories up shattered. Shortly after this amazing scream came the maniacal sound of a male vampire laughing his head off while being in a female vampire's body. Shortly after this sound was the wince making noise of a person being struck heavily across the face.

Once, Alucard had reanimated himself he glared at Seras. "You didn't have to hit so hard," he said rubbing his once broken neck.

Seras looked embarrassed. "I forgot my strength."

Alucard rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just get up. Miss. Integra has been kind enough to agree to giving our weapons back," he said in a tone of voice that is usually reserved for Christmas.

Seras eyed him concernedly. "…Yay?"

"Yes! It's marvelous! Wonderful! AMAZING! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" he cackled.

"Are you ok?" asked Seras still eyeing him concernedly.

"I'm hopped up on the Q," he responded giggling madly and hopping up and down to prove his point.

"Ya….let's…uh…'fetch our weapons'," she said slowly. The two then proceeded to leave the basement room and head upstairs to fetch their weapons. Or so Alucard thought.

"This isn't Integra's office," remarked Alucard very confused while glancing around at the padded interior of the room he was in.

"She had it renovated," stated Seras casually inching towards the door, "Why don't you just wait here while I go fetch her."

"Ok," said Alucard completely trusting and plopped down onto the padded floor and began singing campfire songs. Seras' eye twitched and she quickly left slamming shut the door and locking it tightly.

Just stay there until you're not hyper, anymore, she said to him.

NOOOOOOOO!!! he howled, NOT THE……………PSYCH WARD!!!!!!! With that repeated slamming noises were heard from the inside of the room. Seras winced.

_That's gotta hurt._ Almost as if he had heard this thought a loud whimper of pain resounded down the hallway.

"I hate your body! It's too weak!!!!!!!!" he cried and Seras angrily turned and marched away.

Pip came out of the shadows and eyed Alucard's retreating back before putting his ear to the psych ward's door.

"I love you. You love me! We're a happy family!" sang Seras' voice happily. Pip furrowed his brow. "I want to watch Barney!"

Pip couldn't take it anymore and he threw open the door. There was complete silence for a moment or too as the two stared at each other. Seras (Alucard) had her bra around her head like a bandana and was wearing one shoe as a glove.

"AIEEEEE!" she (he) cried suddenly with a fierce expression on her face. He then began to rapidly strike Pip with his other shoe which had somehow yanked of his foot in record time.

Pip screamed loudly. "Get away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" And then he died. Haha. Just kidding. He grabbed the boot from Alucard's hand.

"Hey give it back, you big meanie," exclaimed Alucard with a childlike pout etched on his features. Pip's eye twitched much like Seras' had and he threw the boot to the other side of the room after which Alucard chased after it much like a dog. Pip then turned and ran screaming from the room though not forgetting to close and lock the door first.

שּﭏשּ

Seras quietly knocked on Sir Integra's door. She waited until she heard a quiet voice say "Come in." before entering the office.

Walter looked at Seras and literally saw Alucard. "Well, hello Alucard. Long time no see." He said smiling a friendly smile. Seras, who had forgotten who's body she was in, glanced behind her nervously.

"Oh…hi," she said once she figured out who he was talking to.

"Could you excuse us for a moments, Walter?" asked Sir Integra seeing the strained expression on 'Alucard's' face.

"Of course," replied Walter graciously and he quickly exited the room.

"What's wrong, Seras?" questioned Integra once the door had shut.

"It's Alucard, ma'am. He somehow managed to swallow some Nesquick and is now extremely hyper. I have him locked in the psych ward," answered Seras worriedly.

"How on earth did he get Nesquick?" asked Sir Integra looking very confused.

"I don't know, Sir," responded Seras.

"Hm…WALTER!" Integra cried suddenly. Not a minute later Walter came rushing into the room.

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"Do you by any chance happen to know how….'Seras'….managed to get a hold of Nesquick?" Integra questioned furrowing her brow. (A/N: Haha. I just had to say that.)

"I'm afraid not, ma'am," Walter replied not looking entirely truthful.

"Walter…."

"All right, all right. Naillil from Miss. Nagrom's story _Creatures of the Night_ dared me too….so it's not my fault."

Integra rolled her eyes. "Not those two, AGAIN. How many times have I told them to stay in their own story?! It's annoying me…"

"What do we do about Seras, Sir?" asked the ever-present vampire.

"Leave her in the psych ward, I suppose. What else can we do?" responded Integra.

Walter and 'Alucard' exchanged a glance and then shrugged simultaneously.

"Good. Then clear out I have some paper work to do." Walter rushed out of the room to fetch tea and Seras shuffled slowly back to the psych ward.

שּﭏשּ

"Camp town ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. Camp town ladies sing this song doo-da, doo-da day," sang Alucard brightly while braiding his hair. He liked Nesquick. It made him happy. "Beavers!" He began singing again. "Beavers one, beavers all, lets all do the beaver call! Whee!"

Finishing his braid, he began to attempt spinning on his head. All of his hair had been converted into tiny braids and they flew about wildly as he succeeded in the break dancing.

A sharp knock rang around the room. Alucard whipped around and crouched low to the ground with his eyes narrowed. "Who is it?" he called suspiciously.

"The Dali Lama," answered Seras sarcastically (A/N: Maybe she met Naillil?).

"Mister Dali!!!" cried Alucard happily, "I sure have missed you."

Once again Seras' eye twitched. She slowly opened the door and peeked inside. "Oh my," she breathed when she saw his hair.

"Hey! You're not Mister Dolly!!!" pouted Alucard.

"Er…no," responded Seras.

"KEN AND BARBIE TOGETHER FOREVER!" Alucard screamed so loudly that Seras momentarily passed out. She awoke once again to find her self bending over her.

"I hate you," she said calmly. Then she turned on her heel and once again left the room, but she made a terrible mistake. She forgot to lock the door….

To Be Continued


	7. Day Two Ends

Chapter 6:

Alucard sat staring at the white wall, pouting. He had been in the psych ward for over ten hours and no one had come to see him recently. The last time Seras had visited had been eight hours ago. A dim thought floated into his head and popped into brightly-colored bubbles in his mind.

"Bubbles!" he squealed, happy for something to entertain him. After a few minutes of amusement with the mental bubbles he decided to see if he could wander into the corridor. He stood up and pranced to the door. To his great surprise it was unlocked. With a fiendish cackle he began creeping down the hallway.

שּﭏשּ

Seras decided that she should probably check on her Master. The Nesquik had been given to him twelve and a half hours ago. Judging by the noises drifting from that area of the manor, Alucard was still going strong.

She sighed.

"If I wouldn't be insulting myself I would say that my blondeness has taken over his mind. I would also guess that my new intelligence comes from the stimulus of him having raven-colored locks. Maybe I should run a few test on the chemical properties of hair to see if it truly is hair color or just DNA that makes me a moron and him not so much," she wondered aloud, while walking to the Psych Ward.

When she got there her heart stopped, well it would have it was still beating, anyway. Alucard was attempting to "sneak" down the hallway. This much she figured from his repeated calls of, "I'm sneaking! I'm sneaking! They'll never find me!!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"Hold it right there!" she announced, turning sideways and pointing her finger in his direction. What can I say, that pose rocks.

Alucard's, well technically Seras', back stiffened. He whipped around and glared at Seras who had not relaxed her position.

"You'll never stop me!" he screamed, before turning around and racing up the steps to the main part of the manor.

Seras' face paled. "Oh sh..."

שּﭏשּ

Integra glanced up at the sound of someone knocking on her door.

"Enter," she said in a monotone voice.

Seras walked into the room. (A/N: By this I mean Alucard walked into the room, he just LOOKED like Seras.) Integra looks shocked.

"Er…hello, Alucard," she said nervously, "How are you feeling?"

Alucard gave her an 'Are you crazy?' look. "I am feeling quite fine, madam. May I inquire to your health? Are those obnoxiously pungent cigars affecting you yet?"

Integra looked stunned, "Uh…no, actually. It's surprising me too. I would have thought they'd do something by now."

Alucard nodded with a look of great interest and sat in a chair that was conveniently located in front of Integra's desk.

Integra's expression became even more surprised. "I was under the impression that you were mentally disabled, more than usual I mean."

Alucard scoffed. "Of course not, the whole thing was to scare Seras."

"Truly?" questioned Integra, not entirely believing.

"Well not all of it," Alucard admitted, "I exaggerated a bit to scare Seras, but I am at the moment incredibly hyper."

Integra's eye twitched. "Um….you seem quite sane to me."

"Do I?" asked Alucard, smiling widely, showing off his fangs and leaning forward on his elbows.

Sir Integra decided that right then would be a very good time to call for Walter.

שּﭏשּ

Walter was just enjoying a cup of tea while watching his favorite TV show, _Dora the Explorer, _when he heard the urgent call of his mistress.

He got up and started stomping over to the door. "What?!" he yelled out.

"HELP MMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" came Integra's frenzied reply.

This, not being her usual response, made him think that something was not quite right. (A/N: Kudos, Walter!)

He quickly ran up to her office and opened the door to find Seras (Alucard) critically inspecting the bottom of the ashtray as the leader of Hellsing cowered in the corner. Walter gasped.

"Oh my!" he cried gallantly. "Seras stop that at once! NEVER touch Sir Integra's ashtray!!!!!"

Alucard looked at him disdainfully. "I am NOT Seras," he said scathingly.

Immediately, Walter knew she…he was telling the truth because Seras had no idea what scathing meant, let alone being able to pull it off. He gasped once again.

"It can't be!" he exclaimed, "Madam did you use the atomic molecule exchanger to switch the body's of our two vampire henchmen?!" he asked.

Integra gasped as well, "Yes, I did! How on earth did you know?"

"Well I knew it had to be something completely irrational and unfeasible since the author of this story is written by a girl who is legally insane and I also saw the newspaper clipping for the A.M.E when I cleaned out your desk!"

"That makes perfect sense in a completely insane way!"

"I know! She really is screwed up!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Alucard, sounding almost like his true self. Both butler and mistress stopped talking…er, yelling to look at him. "What are you talking about?! There is no author, this is real life!!!"

Integra shook her head sympathetically, "Poor undereducated Alucard. Did you really think that I would sob after screwing up my two best soldiers or that you would even have a period since your undead?"

"Er…no."

"See," said Walter, "As several reviews have pointed out you shouldn't have a period because you are undead and can't reproduce anyway."

"Hey, that's not true," protested Alucard, "In Vampire Hunter D they reproduce. So they must have periods."

"Excellent observation, Alucard," responded Integra proudly, "That is exactly correct. It really just is whatever the author wants. Our author says that vampires can have periods and so they do.

"Wait, doesn't that mean the reviewers are lacking common sense when they say that stuff?" Alucard asked, confused.

"Yes it does!" exclaimed Walter, delighted, "The author can do whatever she wants in this story, like direct the characters to address those reviews, because she is the one writing it."

"Hey, that's brilliant," exclaimed Alucard, "But Integra, why did you cry?"

"Because I had just taken my two best soldiers and switched them. I knew they could never last and I was also having an OOC moment, just like when I was being really sloppy!"

"Wow! That makes sense," announced Alucard.

"Ya, it does! But what about Tuisto?" asked Walter.

"What about him?" inquired Integra.

"Well, he said that the first chapter was odd and pathetically short. Do we have an explanation for that?"

"Actually, we do!" said Integra proudly, "You see if Mr. Tuisto had paid any attention he would have noticed that that was a prologue and not the first chapter. He also should have realized that the story of what Alucard did that annoyed me doesn't need to be told, just look at him! Another thing he might have realized is that this isn't about why I changed you guys, it's about what happens after! One last thing, though it was nice to have a compliment on spelling and grammar, he misspelled in his review!"

"Wow, no way!" exclaimed Walter and Alucard simultaneously.

"Ya, I know!"

"One more question," said Alucard, "What about Mesmerizing Necromancer, who agreed with Tuisto?"

Walter took this question, "Who really cares? We've had so many GOOD reviews like the ones from Alucard's Vampiress, MegFallow, franny-o, Ludifer, Youku's Befuddled Fox, and so many others!"

"Hm, ya I guess your right. Those reviwers are pretty amazing aren't they?"

"Ya!" agreed Integra and Walter.

"Shut up!!!" screamed Seras as she entered the room. "Stop talking to the reviwers and let's get back to the story!"

שּﭏשּ

Walter was just enjoying a cup of tea while watching his favorite TV show, _Dora the Explorer, _when he heard the urgent call of his mistress.

He got up and started stomping over to the door. "What?!" he yelled out.

"HELP MMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" came Integra's frenzied reply.

This, not being her usual response, made him think that something was not quite right. (A/N: Kudos, Walter!)

He quickly ran up to her office and opened the door to find Seras (Alucard) critically inspecting the bottom of the ashtray as the leader of Hellsing cowered in the corner. Walter gasped.

"Oh my!" he cried gallantly. "Seras stop that at once! NEVER touch Sir Integra's ashtray!!!!!"

Alucard looked at him disdainfully. "I am NOT Seras," he said scathingly.

Immediately, Walter knew she…he was telling the truth because Seras had no idea what scathing meant, let alone being able to pull it off. He gasped once again.

"It can't be!" he exclaimed, "What happened to you?"

Integra looked ashamed, "You know how I was cutting up the newspaper a few days ago?" she asked.

"Yes…," responded Walter his eyes narrowing.

"Well there was an ad for an atomic molecule exchanger and I thought I could get back at him for all those crazy things he does," she replied sheepishly, "Unfortunately, Seras got caught in the blast and now they're each other."

Walter rolled his eyes in frustration, "How many times have I told you not to buy things from newspaper articles. First you used that special scooter to steal the painting, The Fairy Thief, then you used the hypnosis ring to create Captain Underpants…"

"Ssh!" whispered Integra frantically putting her finger over her mouth, "Don't tell everyone! They're just starting to believe that Artemis Fowl and George 'n' Harold did those things!"

Alucard meanwhile started to search through Integra's desk and was coming up with the usual office supply ware. Paper clips, a stapler, paper, a pair of scissors, several whoopee cushions, an electronic fart machine, a bill from Limited Too, a Victoria's Secret catalog, and a small silver pistol.

שּﭏשּ

While all of this insanity was going on Seras was hunting in the armory for something that would be able to stop Alucard from causing too much destruction. She heard loud gunfire and knew she had only a few minutes to decide. Then she saw it, the perfect weapon. Alucard's maniacal grin spread over her face and she quickly grabbed the weapon before running up the stairs to get Alucard.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard decided that it would be fun to play with the pistol and fired off several rounds before realizing his hands hurt, a LOT.

"Owie!" he cried miserably dropping the pistol and sucking on his fingers. Tears came to his eyes and he began dancing around in one place while waving around his injured hands yelling "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"

Just then the door to Integra's office burst open and Seras entered through the smoking wreckage holding a dart rifle menacingly. Walter and Miss. Hellsing almost fainted from relief in there hiding spot under the desk.

"Drop the gun," said Seras in her most western macho accent.

Alucard gave her a confused glance, "I'm not holding a gun, silly."

"Uh, right." Seras blinked. The without further ado, she shot Alucard in the neck. He promptly collapsed and began snoring on the floor while sucking his thumb. "Whew," breathed Seras, wiping sweat from her face."

"What did you shoot him with?" asked Integra who had crawled out from under the desk.

"I found this nifty tranquilizer gun and I thought it might be useful," said Seras proudly, glad to have done something right for once.

"Hm…alright then. Take Alucard to his room," Integra said to Walter.

Seras' face fell. No praise for her. There never was. Oh, well. Walter dragged Alucard to bed and Seras went to sleep herself. That was the end of their second day as each other.

A/N: Hope you liked that chapter! I really wanted to address these reviews that keep telling me that Integra doesn't cry when forced to kill something. Please, stop telling me this!!! I know! This is my story and if I want Integra to cry she damn well is gonna cry. Thanks to all those good reviews that I've been getting. Thanks to the reviewers I mentioned and those I didn't. I love you all. I love Tuisto too, just cuz that review made me laugh. Voila! I'll keep 'em coming. Oh, Father Anderson may be getting his debut in my story in either day three or day four. Most likely four. Anyway, love you all! Nya!


	8. The Next Chapter

A/N: Before I begin this chapter I would like to share with you all my five favorite reviews from this story, actually I think these may be my five favorite reviews ever, except for my very first which is in a different story. My own little comments are bold and in ( ).

Fifth Place: from Hemamal- _Wow! Alucard has to deal with his first period and Seras has to pee standing up_ **(Haha. Yes she does)**_. I can't wait for the next chapter._ **(Me either.)**

Fourth Place: from Tuisto - _Odd and pathetically short, lacking vital details, like backstory _**(assumes educator glasses and expression That requires a space in between back and story…)** _behind "punishment" and the dicision_ ******o.O sp anyone?)** _to use a "molecular changer". And then their reactions to the outcome seem very out of character. (Integra doesn't "sob" even when faced to kill her own troops) _**(No…really?)**_  
Spelling and grammar are alright though, if that counts for anything... _**(Hey, thanks! May want to check yours, though.)**_**  
**_  
_Story could be better with an improving revision._ **(Glad to hear it!)**

Third Place: from Youku's Befuddled Fox - _I'll be laughing hastericlly in the corner untill you update _ **(A woman after my own heart. Love the screen name, by the way. I also just love this review.)**

Second Place: from SickDeath - _I'm dying on my keyboard. ) _**(Don't do that! Who'll read and review my story?!) **

And First Place….: from Tuisto** - **_Buwahahaha! Oh my goodness! I think I should feel honoured_ **(Love the British spelling.)** _for getting a whole bloody paragraph in this chapter of this terribly bizarre fanfic! Buwahahaha! I mean, really little ol' me getting face-time in a fanfic I don't even like... BRILLIANT:D_

And Yes, I'm proud to admit misspelling in my reviews because I don't give a [expletive omitted about the correctness of reviews!

I will say though, that even though the fic is still short, bizarre and oddly paced-out as far as a story line goes; there's a clear improvement in the quality of writing. Not much, but it's worth pointing out.  
  
_:D_ **(What can I say? This I my favorite review, **_**EVER**_

Voila, my favorite reviews. This inspires me to hold a little contest. For the rest of the story the person who has the funniest review gets the next chapter dedicated to them and a small role in it. Sorry to say, you'll probably be killed. (shrug) Ah, well. The price of fame. Anyway, feel free to tell me just how much of a jackass you think I am for making fun of the fourth place winner's review!!! **:D** On with the show!

Chapter 7:

The Smart Chapter

Smart- adj. Characterized by sharp quick thought; bright

Alucard woke up with a blinding headache.

"Oh, my cranial cavity is in agony this evening," he groaned to nobody in particular.

"Ah, you have awoken from your restful slumber," said Walter's voice. Alucard cracked open his eyes to see the meticulous butler placing a blood packet on the table.

"Yes, I have awoken, yet it was not as serene as I would have hoped," responded Alucard rubbing his temples thoughtfully "Are you aware of the condition of my sudden lethargy?"

"Yes, Miss. Seras used a tranquilizer gun to bring your from your bizarre antics."

"That makes complete sense," replied Alucard, now realizing why he had fallen asleep. He crawled out of his coffin and drank deeply from the blood packet. Walter looked slightly disgusted.

"Excuse me, while I take my leave," he said to the vampire. Alucard nodded somewhat while still drinking. Walter scurried out of the room.

שּﭏשּ

At this present time, Miss. Seras finished taking her nightly shower and was about to go out for a leisurely stroll. The shower had disturbed her greatly, for it was not her body she had been washing. (A/N: I frown upon such suggestive language in this story.) She was staring avidly at the muscles on Alucard's chest when Walter entered the room. She blushed to a bright red.

"Pardon me," said Walter hurriedly placing the blood on the floor and quickly exiting.

"Woe unto me!" exclaimed Seras, "I am greatly humiliated of the present state of my torso!" Once saying this, she quickly finished dressing. (A/N: Lmao. I crack myself up.) She then exited her chamber and began to stroll about.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard had, by this time, finished drinking and decided to wreak havoc upon the innocent and susceptible soldiers of the Wild Geese. Upon leaving his room, a ghastly sight reached his eyes.

"Ah, my! It seems someone has placed a horrific monster in front of my door!"

Pip frowned, "I am aware of your less then friendly feelings for me, but that is just rude."

Alucard sighed in relief, "I am sorry, Mr. Pip. Please, excuse my rudeness."

Suddenly, Tuisto strolled by, muttering to himself, while reading Wrath of Naillil's Sercard and Aluas.

"Wht, es dis krap? De spelin', es al ronge. De gramr, es teribl unlik, mne. Me, gramr es impekabl."

Pip and Alucard looked incredibly shocked.

"That was odd…," stated Alucard.

"Not as odd as this!" boomed Pip, before grabbing Alucard (A/N: Who looked like Seras!!!!) and kissing him passionately.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard's eyes shot open.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A/N: Tada!!! I know it's short, but I was lacking creativity. (If you didn't get that, it was a dream. The real day seven hasn't happened yet. I had to get that Tuisto part in there. )

Ah, what the hell. There are three other reviews that I quite liked that didn't make it into the finals. They were very close, though. Here they are!

Ludifer - _Woah no giving Alucard the nesquik..._ **(I completely agree.)**

Lord Makura - _that can't be good for them!_ **(It probably isn't. Again, I completely agree.)**

Hemamal** - **_WTH! This is just pure insanity!! Who knew vampires got high off Nesquick._ **(It is insane. That's why you people like it. I didn't know they got high of Nesquik either! Until I wrote this that is…)**


	9. Day Three Starting Up

**Dedicated to:** MegFallow. An overall awesome reviewer and one of the first to read my stories….and the absolute first to review. Muah to Meg.

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys! You sure know how to make a girl feel special. ;) Soooo….this was a difficult decision, but I came to a conclusion that the funniest review was from Miss. MegFallow. Here it is:

_LMAO! Seras is so funny! She misses her boobies very much it seems! But on the other hand she gets to saftely touch Alucard's wet naked body without getting into trouble._

INSERT EVIL VILLIANESS LAUGHTER IN HERE

I wonder if she felt bold enough to touch his "you know what" down below the equator...

Very sexually ennuendo-ed chapter. Keep up the good work!

I'll try…I'll try.

Chapter 8:

Alucard gently rocked back and forth, holding his knees to his chest, while staring at the blank television screen. His eyes were wide and frantic looking. He had been sitting like this for the past two hours and despite his usual burst of oddity, the other people present in Hellsing Manor could not help but feel concerned. Especially, Mounsieur Pip who was very much into this 'damsel in distress' thing.

"Seras," a gentle French voice asked. Rather than calm the terrified vampire it seemed to send her into further fits of frenzy.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs. Pip took off running, his braid flying out behind.

'Seras' returned to her position on the couch and continued rocking back and forth.

שּﭏשּ

Meanwhile, the real Seras was dancing around to a song known as 'Barbie Girl'. Unfortunately for Alucard, she didn't hear the knock on the door as Walter entered to give her a Blood-Sicle ™.

Needless to say, both parties were incredibly embarrassed.

"Excuse me, Seras," Walter stammered.

Seras said nothing but her face resembled a lobster after being boiled. (A/N: Cause EVERYone says tomato.) Walter, without further ado, left the room. Seras promptly collapsed into Alucard's conveniently open coffin. It would be, after all she was the one who opened it.

"Why am I such a loser?" she pondered aloud. _Because you are currently trapped in your Master's MALE body, _came the answering thought. A masculine groan escaped her lips.

שּﭏשּ

Poor Alucard was not having a very good time. Whenever he saw the long-haired French pig he had to concentrate very hard to stop himself from screaming and running away. Pip was not enjoying this much, either. All he wanted to do was flirt with the pretty lady blood-sucker, but she seemed to be terrified.

"Don't look at me!" squealed Alucard as Pip casually glanced at him. Pip's gaze was immediately drawn to his shoelaces. Despite his disliking for the man, Alucard couldn't help but feel a tad sorry. (A/N: This is gonna be bad…I can smell it.)

"What have I done to you?" asked the desolate captain.

"Er….well…..nothing really I guess…..," Alucard muttered. How was he supposed to say 'Sorry, Pip. I'm not gay and I had a VERY disturbing dream last night….' The man would think he was insane. After all, how could a woman be gay? And in what way was the dream 'disturbing'???? If there ever was an excuse for shifty eyes that question would be one.

"Can I make up my not doing anyzing to you?" asked the mercenary, hope springing into his eyes.

Alucard desperately wanted to scream 'NO' and jump out of the nearby window, but this seemed unnecessarily cruel and painful….for himself, that was, they WERE on the fifth floor, after all. But Alucard also knew that his fledgling seemed to like this man. Why was beyond him, but she did. He supposed he could do her a favor…just this once.

"Er……I guess so." Despite the unenthusiastic reply, Pip nearly burst with joy.

"Really?!?! I have waited so long for zis day!!!

Alucard looked frightened. "What…do you want to do?" he stammered hoping it wasn't something sexual.

The Frenchman beamed and grabbed his hand. "Let's go to ze movies!!!"

The disturbed vampire looked very confused. "We HAVE movies???? When did this happen?"

Pip waved his hand dismissively. "Integra said ve could go to ze movie zeater zat is 30 minutes from here."

"…You already asked her about this before hearing my answer?" asked Alucard, liking his decision less every second.

"Oh, no, no. I asked her quite a vhile ago because I knew zat you would fall for my manly charms eventually," he grinned.

Alucard once again considered jumping out of the window. He ended up just swallowing instead. "So…when do we go?" he choked out.

Pip smiled the most creepy, "endearing", smile Alucard had ever seen in his life. And that's saying something coming from the Master of Creepy Smiles. (A/N: Yes, that's an actual title…shifty eyes….in MY world, anyway.) "How about…right now?"

Alucard looked frantic. "Now…but….but...," he cast his thoughts about furiously trying to think of some reason to not go, "I have to fix my hair!" he cried out. Inwardly, he winced. _I sound like SUCH an idiot…, _he thought.

Pip laughed. "Fix zour hair? Why? It's perfect."

Alucard laughed nervously. "Well….alright then," he said reluctantly.

Without waiting for another word, Pip strode out of the room dragging Alucard behind. "I'm going out!" he yelled as he passed by Integra's office. Within two minutes the unlikely couple was on the Hellsing Manor's front lawn climbing into a taxi.

_What have I gotten myself into? _Alucard thought desperately as the taxi rolled away. Thankfully Pip tried nothing in the car and Alucard managed to almost forget that the French Pig was even there….almost.

When the couple FINALLY reached the movie theater, Alucard was a little more than disgusted. Pip had used some of the oddest pick up lines ever.

_Pip: Your eyes are like microvaves and I am butter. You turn zem on high and I melt. _

_Alucard: …erm…_

(A/N: Not kidding. I actually have heard this pick up line before. It was the strangest thing EVER…)

The two entered the theater and bought tickets without saying anything to one another. After a short jaunt to the actual theater Pip whispered. "I am zo glad you picked a horror movie…If you get scared I vill make it all better." His eyes glinted in a way that made Alucard more scared than a horror movie ever could.

(A/N: Ladedadeda…..time skip…time skip….)

A loud scream burst from the theater where the movie "Psycho"was playing. The movie theater staff figured that someone had gotten scared. Hey, it was a horror movie, right? MegFallow knew better, though. She raised her head and narrowed her eyes. She sniffed the air and murmured to herself, "It seems that a gender-confused vampire has just been hit upon by a feminine appearing mercenary!!!" A mother passing by gripped her child's hand a little tighter and walked by a little faster.

Shortly after this incident, Alucard burst out of the theater and began running as fast as his legs could carry him out the front door. MegFallow looked a little wind-blown, as Alucard had blazed right past her, but satisfied as well. "I was right!" she announced to a shocked elderly couple. Pip paused for a second to give her an odd look before continuing to chase his prey….erm, victim…I mean…lover! (A/N: Don't you love me? I know MegFallow does.)

About five minutes later, Alucard broke down the doors of Hellsing Manor and proceeded to run all the way to his room while screaming a single word. "MOMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten that he was no longer Alucard. Seras stared at him with wide eyes. "Erm….you alright there?"

Alucard just stared at her. For a while he seemed to be thinking "What the hell are you doing in my coffin?" but he shortly remember his current predicament.

Meanwhile, Seras was giving the strangest expression she could conjure. This had to be the craziest vampire she had EVER met…not that she had met many. "Alucard?...Alucard?……ALUCARD!" she burst out after a while, growing tired of his confusion.

Alucard jerked his head back slightly. "Sorry…."

Seras merely continued looking at him oddly. "What happened?" she asked, not quite sure that she wanted to hear the answer.

Alucard trembled, "Well…….I……went on a date with Pip," he muttered quickly to his shoes.

Seras looked confused, "You what?"

Alucard repeated the sentence in the same fashion only this time his face was bright red as well.

"Speak so I can hear you," snapped Seras, annoyed.

The 'gender-confused' vampire took a deep breath. "I was on a date with Pip and he……," words seemed to fail him so he settled for a shudder instead.

Seras' eyes went wide. "YOU went on a DATE???? With PIP????"

"Yes," said Alucard, irritated by her disbelieving and amused tone of voice.

Seras giggled. "A date???" She giggled some more. "You do realize that just because you LOOK like a super sexy girl doesn't actually make you one?"

Alucard stared at her for a moment. "Well I never implied I was super sexy…after all, what kind of a fool would think that while I'm in THIS body?"

Seras scowled. "Why did you go on a date?"

Alucard sighed, exasperated. "You want the truth? Fine. I went on a date because I was trying to do something nice for you."

Seras blinked. "…..I don't get it."

Alucard threw his hands in the hair. "Typical blonde," he muttered and stalked off.

Seras blinked again. "……Hey!"

שּﭏשּ

Sir Integra glanced at the file and sighed deeply. Slowly, she removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. This was getting out of hand. She could no longer stop using her vampires. The men alone could not stop all the ghoul and vampire attacks and she had just received a report that said that Iscariot was up to something. The last thing she needed right now was for that Father Anderson to get up to his usual tricks while both of her vampires were out of commission. She had no choice. She had to use them, despite their current condition.

"ALUCARD! SERAS!" she yelled. A few seconds later both of the bloodsuckers appeared in her office. "I have bad news," she began.

"I'm not stupid, Alucard," snapped Seras suddenly glowering at herself. If the situation wasn't so dire Integra would have laughed at the oddness of it all.

"Quiet," she said briskly, "Now as I said, I have bad news. Iscariot is planning something once again and you know Father Anderson will be out and about."

Neither vampire moved, just watched her with their cold, undead eyes. Integra hated those eyes. Despite looking into Alucard's for most of her life, she never got over the timelessness, the wisdom, and the pain that were always shadowed in them. Looking into the murky red depths always took her breath away. Even when they were smiling the eyes stayed sad. She doubted that they knew it, but the eyes of the vampires reflected the pain and sadness of their long, eternal lives. Yet they were beautiful in a way Integra could never describe. (A/N: I had a sentimental moment. But don't worry. I'm better now. )

"I need you two to go out to Rosewood. There is a rouge vampire wrecking havoc upon the town and I am almost certain Anderson will be arriving there. Keep in mind that if he does appear Seras will have to fight him. Iscariot must not know that your bodies have been switched. Understand?"

At the mention of fighting Anderson, Seras' usually pale complexion went even paler. For a moment Alucard feared that she would pass out. Despite his fear she stayed upright and mumbled "Yes" when Integra requested it.

"Alucard?" Integra asked, glancing at him, "Do you understand that if Anderson is to be fought you must not participate?"

Alucard frowned, unhappy about this but he nodded anyway.

"Good," announced Integra, "Then if you two will excuse me, I have work to do."

Both vampires turned and left to prepare for the fight with Father Anderson.

A/N: Hope you liked it! I was just feeling more serious towards the end. Not my usual happy-go-lucky self. Though, I do suffer from a condition widely known as E-M-O.

Either way, Anderson will finally be appearing in the next chapter. Also, I mean absolutely NO harm to blondes. One of my best friends is a blonde and she is a genius….I just couldn't think of anything to say. Remember, funniest reviewer gets the chapter dedicated to them and a small role in it! Sorry, Tuisto. Maybe you'll win next time. Let the bloodbath begin. Until next time.


	10. Day Three Cont

**Dedicated to:** Tuisto. Because you all know that under that rough exterior he truly loves me. Heh. Ya, right. But at least he reviews my stories and makes me chuckle.

A/N: Hello, dear readers. Quite a few amazing reviews. There was three I had difficulty choosing from. After much consideration, I chose dear ol' Tuisto's. I love how he hates me.

_Hmm... interesting.. let's break this one down a bit, shall we?_

_Plus. Excellent grammar! _

_Negative. Puerile story concept of gender confusion and natural reaction there-to. (Alucard WILLINGLY dating Pip... and not leaving Pip as little more than a bloody smear on the ground? WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot is up with that?!) _

_Plus. Details that actually, almost set the scene with credibility!_

_Negative. (A/N:) Authors notes set in the body of the story. Those go in the beginning and the end of the story; not the middle. It's distracting. Write the scene better and you won't ever need those. _

_Plus. The jokes and humor. While not the best (far, far from it), does imbue a certain amount of light-hearted levity and comedy._

_Negative. Pronouns: The referring of Alucard as a "he" whilst "he" is contained in a very feminine body is most confusing; vise-versa for Seras. _**(Honestly though, I have no clue whether to say he or she….::sweat drop::)**

_Plus. I've personally taken time to actually take interest in this story, most likely as some form of sadism on my part, and actually review it...several times now in fact!_

_Negative. I've personally taken time to actually take interest in this story, most likely as some form of sadism on my part, and actually review it...several times now in fact!_

_and to end on a high-note..._

_Plus. Despite everything, WrathofNaillil perseveres in writing her frighteningly bizarre and terribly OOC piece of fanfiction instead of just abandoning it. Many novice writers never get past chapter one, much less completing nine of them, regardless of quality or scope of plot. So there you have it... _

_Kudos._

Possibly my longest review ever. Let's break this down.

5 pluses, 4 negatives…You DO like me::wink::

Chapter 9:

Seras was terrified. She bustled around polishing Alucard's guns, making sure she had extra ammo, and fluffing the giant red hat, but it could not distract her from the raw terror that gnawed at her insides. She was positive that this would be her last day alive. There was no way she could beat Father Anderson, even if she now had Alucard's monstrous strength and powers.

Alucard, on the other hand, was positively giddy with excitement. Seras had never seen him so happy. He bounced around as if he had just won the lottery on his birthday, while on a luxury cruise. "We get to fight again! We get to fight again!" he hollered to Seras as she passed him in the halls.

"Ya, I know," she muttered darkly. Alucard looked confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she snapped, striding away with her hands stuffed deep into her pockets. Alucard strode along beside her.

"You're scared, aren't you?" he asked. Seras wheeled around to face him.

"Scared? Scared?! I'm bloody terrified!!! In a few short hours I'm gonna be no more than a can of dog food!" Alucard looked offended.

"You're not going to die. I happen to be a lot stronger and a lot more _immortal_ then you think," he said haughtily. Seras blinked.

"Right," she murmured sheepishly. Alucard rolled his eyes.

"As long as you aim and shoot correctly, you'll be fine." Oddly enough, this made Seras feel better. She beamed at him. _Yeesh, no wonder people are frightened of me….I've got the creepiest grin ever,_ Alucard thought.

"Thanks, Alucard," she grinned, before walking off to practice some shooting. Alucard watched her leave. For a moment he did nothing. Suddenly, Pip appeared behind him.

"Hello, love," he leered. Alucard's eyes grew huge. Out of nowhere he punched Pip straight in the face.

"I am NOT your love," Alucard huffed angrily before storming away. Pip clutched his broken and bleeding nose.

"…Ow…"

שּﭏשּ

The head of Hellsing stood on top of the helicopter pad waiting impatiently for her two vampires to come out. Despite the anxiety she was feeling from the situation, she couldn't help but enjoy the cool night air. The stars shown brightly in the velvety, black night sky and the moon was vivid and full. Everything was peaceful and quiet, a slight breeze blowing back her hair.

The silence of the night was suddenly shattered by the metal door leading to the roof and helicopter pad slamming open. Integra turned, annoyed that her peaceful haven was being invaded. Alucard and Seras stood before her. Behind her, the helicopter started up destroying any last remnants of peace that had been on the roof. Integra sighed.

"Are you ready?" she inquired of the tense bloodsuckers. Both nodded. "Good," she said almost to herself.

"Sir Integra?" Seras asked softly. Integra focused on her. It was odd to see Alucard speaking to her with the same frightened politeness of Seras. Integra didn't think she'd ever get over the body switch.

"Yes?"

"Um….are you alright?" Seras question tentatively. Integra was slightly surprised.

"Of course I am," she responded briskly. Seras nodded not looking as if she truly believed Integra. "Well what are you waiting for? Get on the helicopter!" The two vampires promptly rushed to do as was requested of them.

שּﭏשּ

Twenty minutes later, the helicopter touched down outside of the city of Rosewood. Seras and Alucard exchanged a long look.

"I guess this is it," said Alucard. Seras nodded. She thought she might throw up. The horror she felt at the mere thought of Anderson was mind-boggling.

"Hey," murmured Alucard, almost tenderly, "It's alright. You'll do fine." He gently shook her shoulder and offered her a reassuring smile. Seras smiled back.

"Ya, I'm just nervous." Alucard nodded understandingly. He opened the door and stepped out. Seras took a deep breath and followed.

The two entered Rosewood quietly. It was unusually silent.

"Where is everyone?" whispered Seras.

"I don't know," Alucard muttered. He didn't like this. Normally, they would be surrounded by ghouls already.

A loud snarling came from the right.

שּﭏשּ

Pip hopped out of the van. He and his Geese had finally reached their destination. They were to be back up for Alucard and Seras should help be needed. Pip doubted that the two perfectly capable killers would need assistance.

The Wild Geese were also to kill whatever ghouls they came across. If they came across the vampire they were to call Alucard or Seras and get out of there. There was no need to take unnecessary risks with the Geese's lives.

"Captain, shall we proceed?" asked one of the mercenaries. Pip nodded. Ghoul killing time.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard shot the attacking ghoul through the heart. "Well, they know we're here." Seras nodded a little uncertainly.

Alucard continued walking, glancing left and right as he did so. Another snarling ghoul attacked. "You get this one," Alucard called lazily to his fledgling. Seras gulped and pulled out the Casull.

Alucard frowned at the ghoul. It looked strangely familiar. With a slight gasp, he realized who it was. The ghoul was the former Tuisto whom had been in Alucard's dream of Pip. Tuisto's head exploded in a shower of blood. Alucard turned to Seras, annoyed.

Seras stood still holding the powerful gun in her hands. She looked at it with wonder. It was no wonder Alucard was so attached to his guns. Alucard couldn't help but smile. "Nice, isn't it?" Seras nodded.

Both vampires walked on, occasionally shooting ghouls who attacked them. After this went on for about half an hour, they reached the center of the city. There was a large wooden building.

"Walter said it was in there, right?" questioned Seras. Alucard nodded.

"Well, here goes nothing."

שּﭏשּ

The Wild Geese reached the center of the city after killing numerous ghouls and finding the bloody remains of several others.

Pip Bernadotte gestured with a finger. All of the Geese circled around him. "Ve are to patrol ze area, killing everyzing that approaches zis building, until ze vampires come out." The Geese nodded. "Alright, let's go." And so it began.

שּﭏשּ

Seras and Alucard separated from each other once they entered the building. Seras wasn't too happy with this, but she did it anyway.

She walked through the halls shooting ghouls left and right. The longer she used the Casull and the Jackal the more attached she became to them. Every few minute she would hear the monstrous sound of the Harkonnen Cannon being fired.

_He seems to be enjoying himself,_ thought Seras. She turned a corner and shot another ghoul. The vampire had to be around here somewhere. Almost as if on cue, the vampire appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked haughtily, "And why the hell are you killing my ghouls? It took me a long time to make those, you know!" Seras furrowed her brow.

"Who I am is irrelevant. Even if I did tell you, it wouldn't matter as you'll be dead in a minute." The vampire looked incredulous. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a choking noise. A silver bayonet stuck out from his throat.

"Amen," a voice growled. Seras slipped behind a corner, her heart pounding. "Who was with you?"

The vampire just continued choking. Seras held her breath. This was bad. She couldn't take Anderson. The Paladin growled in annoyance and there was a revolting noise as he decapitated the monster. Seras bit her lip. She heard footfalls as Anderson walked off. She sighed in relief. That had been close. Too close.

שּﭏשּ

Paladin Alexander Anderson stalked about the halls of the Rosewood's town hall. He was getting very annoyed. He knew that that bloodsucker, Alucard, was here, but he couldn't find him.

Another vampire stumbled into Anderson's path. _Another?_ thought Anderson, surprised. Without further ado, he killed the leech.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard frowned as he shot the head off of a second vampire. This was odd. He had never seen so many vampires working together, with the exception of the mating grounds.

The sound of the Casull firing echoed around the corridors of the town hall. Alucard sighed. Oh, how he missed his guns. The Harkonnen was strong enough but it lacked the elegance of his slender weapons.

Three ghouls rounded a corner and ran at him. Alucard shook his head. Why was it that being changed into a ghoul took all the sense from a person? Without even bothering to use the Harkonnen, he ripped the heads off all three. This was too easy.

שּﭏשּ

Seras found a vampire. This time she didn't hesitate in killing. She felt a twinge of concern. There was and unusually high amount of vampires working together.

She heard the dying groan of a ghoul as someone killed it. Seconds later, Alucard came around the corner. Seras breathed a sigh of relief. "It's you." Alucard looked down.

"Technically, it's you, but yes, it's me." Seras looked confused. "How many vampires have you killed?" asked Alucard, changing subject abruptly.

"One, but I saw Anderson kill one as well." Alucard frowned.

"Anderson's here?" Seras nodded. Alucard chewed the inside of his cheek. "This is very strange. I've already killed two vampires and you say you've at least witnessed two more being killed….why so many?" Seras shrugged. "Hmph." He then turned on his heel and walked off. Seras blinked.

"Bye?" She walked over to a nearby window and peered out.

שּﭏשּ

Father Anderson's eyes glinted. This was his chance to get rid of Alucard once and for all. The meddlesome bloodsucker was standing by a window with his back turned. Anderson judged that he could get to the vampire in five steps and stab a solid silver bayonet through that cold, undead heart.

Almost as if he knew Anderson was there, Alucard twitched ever so slightly. His head turned a fraction of an inch. _Now! _screamed the thought in Anderson's brain. Obediently, he leaped out from behind the corner, took the five steps at a run, and plunged his blade into the vampires back.

שּﭏשּ

Something wasn't right. Seras stared out of the window, her hands clasped behind her back. She felt more secure in Alucard's body after the numerous leeches she had killed. His strength and speed far outdid her own. She felt a twinge of pity for him, stuck in her body, unable to do the things he once could.

A board creaked behind her. She twitched. Slowly, she turned her head. Before she could see what made the noise, icy pain ripped through her chest. She looked down. A bright, silver blade stuck out from her heart. Rivulets of deep, red blood ran over the blade and dripped from its point. She sucked in a shocked breath.

"Hello, Alucard," hissed a voice behind her. Seras trembled from pain and fear. Anderson terrified her and now he was hell-bent on killing her. As she watched, the blade slowly withdrew. Seras nearly blacked out from the agony of it. A terrible, sickening noise came from behind her as the blade was pulled out. Finally, the silver was removed from her heart. She clutched her chest. Warm blood flowed over her fingers, down her arms.

Anderson chuckled slightly. "Come on, you demon. Fight back." Seras sucked in another pained breath. She reached a hand into her coat and grabbed the Jackal. In the blink of an eye, she had whipped around and pressed the gun to Anderson's temple. Her free hand was clasped over the gaping hole in her chest.

For a second, their eyes met. The fringes of madness glowed in the Paladin's eyes. Mixed into the madness was the hard rage of a man who's plan had gone wrong.

With sudden determination, Seras pulled the trigger.

שּﭏשּ

Sir Integra paced about her large, wood-paneled office. A cup of tea sat on tray on her desk. The tea had long gone cold. An hour had passed since Walter had softly knocked on the door and brought in the steaming cup. Integra had not touched it.

She strode to the window and looked out on the silvery, moonlit grounds. If not for the fear gnawing at her stomach, the sight would have relaxed her. A large lake was situated in the middle of the grounds. The lakes surface looked like glass. It was perfect. Sudden ripples broke the smooth surface as a fish snatched a bug. Integra watched as the ripples slowly faded.

The Head of Hellsing heaved a sigh. She wondered if she was doing the right thing. Should she have sent out her vampires? The uncertainty was driving her out of her mind. What would happen, should Seras die?

שּﭏשּ

The bullet exploded from the end of the gun and drove itself into Anderson's brain. Seras' face was splattered with warm blood. The lifeless body collapsed to the floor. Seras breathed a sigh of relief. She sagged against the wall, clutching her chest.

The shock then hit her. She had gone against the person she feared the most in the world and won. Despite the pain and lingering fear, she felt a small smile grace her lips.

With tremendous effort, Seras slid the Jackal back into its holster. Her hand was shaking violently. Slowly and carefully to avoid hurting her chest more, she lifted her quivering hand to her mouth. She licked the sweet blood from her fingers.

Seras took a shivering, deep breath. Her fear was slowly evaporating. Seras wiped blood from her face. The pain in her chest was horrendous. She carefully sank to the floor, hands pressed tightly to the wound to keep her insides from spilling out.

At last, her shaking stopped and her fear disappeared. She shut her eyes. A soft groan sounded in her ears. She opened he eyes and looked at the corpse. Nothing. The groan must have been her.

The eyes of the corpse shot open.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard shot another ghoul. Its knees buckled and it fell to the floor as it died. Normally, Alucard would have smirked in pleasure at his victory, but his aggravation prevented it.

Seras' body was pathetically weak. She was by no means useless, but compared to his own monstrous strength, she was nothing.

He stalked about the halls, lugging along the huge Harkonnen Cannon. _How does she __like__ this thing? _Alucard questioned silently. He missed his sleek guns. A lusty look came over his face as he thought about the beautiful, shining metal. A sigh escaped his lips. Alucard turned a corner and kept walking He hadn't seen a ghoul in a while.

Suddenly, a sharp scream shattered the still of the night.

שּﭏשּ

Captain Pip Bernadotte marched around the large building.

"What's taking zem so long?" he muttered to himself. The vampires had enetered the building two hours ago. In the beginning, there had been gunshots every few minutes. About fifteen minutes ago, there had been two that were relatively close together, but now there was silence. The silence wasn't what scared Pip, the fact that neither vampire had come back out was what caused his fear, particularly the fact that Seras had not come out.

The most terrifying shriek Pip had ever heard ripped through the night.

שּﭏשּ

Seras watched as Anderson leered up at her. The bullet she had just sent through his skull wormed its way back out and clunked to the floor. The wound in Anderson's head hissed slightly as it closed. He flicked his wrists and three bayonets shot into each of his hands.

"Amen," he whispered.

Seras screamed.

שּﭏשּ

Sir Integra frowned. Something was wrong, she could sense it. The deep fear in her stomach strengthened and began to flow through her body like her blood.

She heard a knock at the door. "Enter," she said quietly. The door opened with a creak and Walter walked in.

"Tea?" he asked the silent Head of Hellsing. Integra shook her head. Walter sighed. "I didn't think so." Integra resumed her position at the window.

"Any news?" she asked the butler.

"The two of them arrived and entered without difficulty. It is yet to be determined whether the mission has been completed or whether Iscariot has sent Father Anderson." Integra heaved a tremendous sigh. "Are you scared for them?" inquired Walter.

"Of course not," she snapped, but her eyes revealed her true feelings.

To Be Continued

A/N: Wow, I think that is the worst chapter I have ever written. We all thought the nesquick one was bad. ::sweatdrop:: Anyway. Sorry about blowing up your head Tuisto. And sorry about the general suckiness of this chapter.


	11. Finished Day Three

A/N: I'm too lazy to check the reviews and put the best reviewer in the story. I'll still dedicate it, though.

**Dedicated to:** SecretAgentPirate. Because I love her.

Chapter 10:

Alucard ran towards the screaming. He knew without a doubt what had happened. Anderson. Anderson was attacking Seras. He raced around a corner. There they were. Seras was cowered against a wall, under a window; her hands were pressed to her chest, blood flowing from underneath them. Alexander Anderson stood above her grinning manically. He held three of his cherished bayonets in each hand.

"What the hell are you doing?!" roared Alucard telepathically, "Get up and fight! You're supposed to be me!" Seras' wide, frightened eyes turned to him. "Get up," Alucard said again. She nodded ever so slightly. Her frame shook as she stood. Anderson seemed pleased by this.

"Excellent! Fight me, you monster." Seras eyed him. Finally, she removed her hands from her chest. Blood dripped from her fingers onto the floor. The hallway was silent except for the soft, steady drip. A small puddle formed at Seras' feet. Another drip landed in it and a ripple spread through the crimson fluid.

"Do you want the truth?" she asked Anderson shakily. Anderson nodded uncertainly. "I'm bloody terrified of you!" Anderson blinked.

"What?" he said looking incredibly confused, after all this was the great Alucard…wasn't it? Seras nodded.

"You're crazy! How could I not be scared of you?"

"W-well, I…," Anderson stuttered. This was not what he had been expecting. What happened to the fearless, badass bloodsucker?

"You're insane! I mean what the hell? Where do you even KEEP those bayonets?" Seras asked flicking her eyes over his body. "And all those little pieces of paper." Anderson gaped dumbly at her. What on earth was going on? "And you really need to chill. This whole 'slaying vampires in the name of the Lord' thing is getting a bit extreme. And what about all those innocent people you kill when you think you see a glimmer of fangs, eh?" Seras crossed her arms and continued lecturing, "What you need is to go to a spa. Relax. Get a massage." Anderson was completely shocked.

"I…I," he stuttered, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water.

"Just get out of here, fool," announced Alucard stepping out from his hiding place. Anderson blinked.

"What did you just call me?" he asked indignantly.

"I called you a fool, like you are," Alucard, or Seras as Anderson thought, replied coolly. Anderson bristled.

"JUST because I'm Irish…" Alucard gave a short, cruel laugh.

"Get out of here." For some reason, Anderson shot a frightened glance at "Alucard" before turning sharply and stomping away, leaving the two vampires alone. Alucard's face took on Anderson's lost look of surprise. "He left…" Seras gave him an odd look.

"You told him to…"

"Ya, but I didn't think he would," Alucard said, looking pleased with himself. Seras decided not to tell him that she had telepathically hinted to the Paladin that if he didn't scram she would treat him to a nice, long friendship speech.

"Well, I guess you're more fearsome then you thought. Now, let's get out of here." Alucard happily agreed and tramped out of the building, Seras' wound momentarily forgotten…Somehow.

שּﭏשּ

The moment the left the building a pale and frightened looking Pip ran up to "Seras". "Seras! Are zou alright? Are zou hurt?" he asked in a panicked voice. Alucard bit back his scathing reply after a sidelong glance at Seras' murderous glare.

"I'm fine," he said finally. Though he would never admit it, Alucard felt a small spark of warmth deep in his undead heart at the captain's concern.

"I need to have a word with Seras," said the true Seras with a meaningful glance at Alucard. Pip looked suspiciously between them but left the two alone.

"What's wrong?" asked "Seras". "Alucard" looked at her incredulously.

"What's wrong? My insides are falling out, you dope! This is what's wrong," she exclaimed pointing at the gaping hole in her chest.

"Riiiight," said Alucard, feeling like an idiot, "So heal it."

"That's the problem. I don't know how," Seras replied, "Otherwise, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and trouble." Alucard shrugged.

"Just….heal. There's no certain way to. It just comes naturally." Seras frowned and closed her eyes.

"Heal," she thought. An odd, cold feeling slid across her front. She looked down and saw the huge wound slowly close. "Cool!" A spurt of blood shot from the gash and hit the now shorter Alucard directly in the eye.

"Ow! Watch it," he shouted rubbing his eye furiously and hopping about like an angry toad. Seras laughed.

"Sorry. Didn't mean for it to do that," she chuckled.

"Sure you didn't," Alucard grumbled, wiping blood off his hands onto his mini-skirt.

"Hey! That's dry clean only!" exclaimed Seras noticing what her master was doing. Alucard smirked evilly.

"Better ask Walter to get some oxi-clean," he cackled. Seras was furious.

"Ya, well," she said dumbly trying to think of something to get him back with. Suddenly an idea came to her. Her face light up and she ran off cackling madly. Alucard watched her warily. What had he gotten himself into?

שּﭏשּ

Pip watched in wonder as Alucard bent over something, laughing manically every couple of seconds. Alucard had burst through the door of the van a couple of seconds ago and searched the compartments until he had found Pip's secret stash of glitter, stickers, and all things girly.

"Vat are zou doing?" asked the Frenchmen tentatively. Alucard whipped around with one eye narrowed and stared at him for a moment.

"…"

"Never mind zen," Pip said quickly. Alucard stared at him for a few more seconds then turned around again, once again murmuring and cackling quietly. "How odd," Pip whispered to himself before turning to go find Seras.

שּﭏשּ

The real Alucard was pacing. A look of deep concern was on his face. What could Seras be doing?

"Seras?" a quiet voice said from behind him. He whipped around.

"Oh, it's just you," murmured Alucard almost to himself. Pip frowned.

"Is zis a problem?" he asked, indignantly. Alucard shook his head vaguely.

"Shouldn't we be going?" he asked suddenly. Pip blinked.

"Did zou complete zour mission?"

"Zes, I mean, yes," Alucard replied. Pip frowned at him for a second but then shrugged.

"I suppose ve could leave, zen," he responded, shrugging again.

"Excellent," said Alucard happily, turning a walking off towards the waiting van. Pip stood alone in the night watching the love of his life's back as she left him.

שּﭏשּ

The van shook slightly from side-to-side as it went over a pothole.

"Damn potholes," growled 'Seras'. Everyone stared. "I-I mean….darn those annoying holes," 'she' lamely continued, blushing.

"…"

"Since when do YOU swear?" asked an inquisitive Goose.

"Since he damn well pleases," growled 'Alucard'. Everyone turned their gazes to him and stared.

"Tough day?" asked Pip tentatively. Both vampires make incomprehensible noises deep in their throats. "Guess so," he whispered.

Alucard stared at Seras trying to determine exactly what she had done to pay him back. AS far as he could tell, nothing was different. His hat sat at a jaunty angle on her head, his clothes were all intact and present, and his coat was looking snazzy, as usual. Everything looked fine but Alucard couldn't shake the feeling that behind those sunglasses lay smirking eyes, waiting for him to discover what had been changed.

As Alucard tried to discover his punishment, the van pulled up to Hellsing Manor. As soon as the heavy metal doors were opened, the soldiers began to pour out of the van and return to doing whatever it is off-duty soldiers do. The two vampires followed reluctantly, with yawning jaws and creaking joint. While they walked, Alucard lagged behind Seras in another attempt to discover what she had done. It became immediately apparent what she had done.

"NOOOOO!" he screeched, falling to the ground. "How could you?! WHERE ARE YOU GOD?!" he cried to the lightening sky. The soldiers, Seras, and basically everyone in the general vicinity turned to see 'Seras' kneeling on the ground, arms thrown up to the heavens, and tears streaming down her face. Unfortunately, Pip was in the vicinity.

"Vat's wrong?!" he cried, running to his beloved, "Vat happened?!" He cradled Alucard in his arms, "Vat happened?!" he repeated. Much to everyone's surprise, 'Seras' did not jerk away from Pip and smack him soundly, rather she rested her head on his shoulder and continued sobbing. Pip stroked her back soothingly. "Vat's wrong?" he asked again.

"My….my…..HAT!" sobbed Alucard, pointing a shaking finger at 'Alucard'. Everyone in the vicinity turned and examined the hat. Not much examination was required as the back of the hat had a glitter glue pony with Barbie stickers pasted all over the back. Several of the soldiers burst out laughing while others just stared and wondered what had come over their undead companions.

"But…that's not your hat," Pip said finally. Alucard wiped tears from his eyes with his palms.

"…..I know that….but….I gave it to him," he cried before once again collapsing into Pip's arms, sobbing hysterically. Pip was ecstatic; she had never acted like this towards him. He knew this was his chance and he planned on taking it.

"Seras," he murmured, lifting her chin with his forefinger. She stared up at him. The person who really was Seras was frowning at the two of them. After a moment's hesitation, Pip lowered his head and kissed Alucard…who promptly fainted.

A/N: Great end, right? Hahaha, I developed that relationship on accident and then I decided it would be hilarious. Anyway, woot! Classes are done so I can write more now. Hope you…enjoyed that…sorta. Oh, and we're done with the emoness for now! Alright, I'm done.


	12. The End

A/N: Unfortunately, this will be the last chapter of Sercard and Aluas. While I did have fun writing this story for a time, it has become tedious for me. I hope that you all find the ending satisfactory and thank you very much for the dedication many of you showed me. I appreciate every one of the reviews I have received and am genuinely sorry to have to end the fun.

I will, of course, be writing more fanfictions, some of which are bound to be focused on Hellsing. I did recently start a Naruto fanfiction that I hope to make a few chapters. My list of story ideas is still looked at, and many of those stories I have started.

I really must thank you for sticking with me for the past three and a half years. I can't believe it's been so long. I really learned a lot from you guys.

Thanks so much. I love you all. : )

**Dedicated to: **Everyone who has ever reviewed this story.

Chapter 11:

Alucard wasn't sure where he was when he first opened his eyes. Somewhere dark and rather cold. He was almost disturbed, but his mind was much too tired to conjure such a complicated emotion.

"Wheremi?" he gurgled vaguely. He had a niggling feeling that this must be a bad place since he could not see, which would be normal for most people but, as he was a vampire, unusual for him. He put his hands up, as to see if maybe he could see something two inches from his face. He immediately learned two things: 1) no he could not see his hand and 2) he was in a box. But not just ANY box, a cryptic box. Wait. Alucard was sure that he had an intimate relationship with large, cryptic boxes…he just wasn't sure what it was.

Suddenly, his foot started tingling like mad. He yelped and shook it. He hated when his feet fell asleep. It was so annoying.

Alucard paused and took a moment to consider that he obviously had blood flow, because a while back he had been cut by Father Anderson and he had tried to force police girl to drink the blood that had leaked from the wound. Police girl! Of course! He was in her body and he had fainted because (blood flooded his undead cheeks) Pip had kissed him. With a gasp, he attempted to sit up. Attempted is the key word, because, of course, he was trapped in the cryptic box.

There was a rather large slam followed by an intense course of cursing the box, the box's mother, the box's grandmother, and whoever had put in him in the box. In fact, if he had been, say, Harry Potter, all aforementioned things would surely be cowering in fear as boils sprang onto their skin, frogs sprang from their mouths, and burning rain sprang from the sky.

Alucard, being rather bright, managed to open the box and, with some difficulty, clambered out. As quickly as the Flash getting into bed when his mother knocked on his door at three in the morning, he realized what the box was. A coffin! It made sense; of course he would be in a coffin, being a vampire and all. He smirked with pleasure at his discovery and then peered around, attempting to discover where he was.

The room he was currently in was just as dark and cool as the coffin had been and, for some odd reason, quiet, soothing music that mimicked a babbling brook seemed to be flowing from invisible speakers. Disregarding those factors, the room was rather comfortable. Whatever he was kneeling on (a result of the difficulty clambering out) was quite squishy and seemed a wonderful place to bounce on. The only matter was, where WAS this place?

An odd whirring noise came from the corner of the room. It was the sort of noise one heard right before large, flickering lights that lined a mysterious hallway flicked on. Sure enough, a very small amount of light suddenly flooded from a small chink in that wall. It seemed that there was a door there. Alucard slid himself across the ground to the door (his legs didn't seem to be working to well and the pins-and-needles feeling was getting most annoying). He lifted his hand and felt around for a knob. For some strange reason, the door seemed to lack one.

"Hello?" he called hoarsely. There was no answer, except for some scuffling and a quick, whispered discussion. "Hello?" he said again.

"Erm…hi, Alucard," came a familiar voice, "How're you feeling?"

"Oh, all right," replied Alucard cheerfully, "My foot's asleep, but other than that, everything's swell. Oh, hey, could you help me out? I can't find the handle to the door."

"Well, I'm glad you're doing well, but I can't let you out, not yet. See, you've had a massive mental breakdown…"

"Oh, stop messing around, Walter. Me? Mental breakdown? Please." Unfortunately, at that moment he had a rather vivid flashback of him on his knees, screaming at the heavens and sobbing in a very distraught manner, "Oh wait…maybe, I did…kind of…have a breakdown."

Walter felt that now would be a good time to open the door and chuck in Alucard's meal. So he did so. Or attempted to, anyway. Alucard, being a tricky bastard, managed to slam his unfeeling foot into the door and send it ricocheting away. Immediately Alucard was on his feet. About a second later he was on the floor cursing his feet. He finally managed to crawl out of the psych ward (for, of course, that's where he had been), and proceeded down the hallway like this.

Because of the exact angle to the door that Walter had been standing at, he was now stone cold on the floor. He would remain like this for several hours before anyone noticed he was missing. No one knew he was down there, because the whispered discussion he had been having, had been held with himself.

Meanwhile, Alucard took twenty minutes to climb up the stairs, not realizing that he could, in fact, feel his feet again. Every member of the Wild Geese he passed figured that this must be an extraordinarily fun new game. After all, how often to you see the pretty girl vampire crawling on the floor?

Unfortunately, there then came the time when one of the people he passed while on his hands and knees was none other than Sir Integra herself. Needless to say, she was not at all pleased with the position she found Alucard in. Especially since she could see two Wild Geese with a camera (that looked suspiciously similar to the one she had used to photograph Alucard and a certain pickle) aimed directly at Alucard's pretty vampire-girl behind.

"Oy! Get out of here you bloody perverts!" she roared at them. The Geese gulped and ran away yelling useless apologies over their shoulders. "And you," Integra growled, turning her fearsome stare to Alucard, "What the hell are you doing on the floor?"

Alucard beamed up at her, "Can't feel my feet."

Integra rolled her eyes, "Get up."

Alucard did so, being very surprised that he could, in fact, feel his feet and that his knees were very sore. He stared at them for a moment in astonishment before turning his innocent gaze to Sir Integra. The fact that she was now taller than him bothered him immensely. He missed his body. He missed being able to leer down at her and make her feel hot and bothered. Not that he had to try to do that.

"I can feel them again," he informed her politely.

She rolled her eyes again, "You are a complete moron. You know that?"

"Well, I suppose I do now. But, I never thought of my IQ as being particularly diminished in any way, though I presume it really depends on one's perspecti-"

"It was a rhetorical question," she interrupted him in annoyance.

He nodded his head politely, "Excuse me then. Though I must inform you, interrupting is considered quite rude in most areas of the worl-"

"Oh, shut it," she barked irritatedly, waving her hand at him. He frowned. She did not care much about this and promptly brushed past him and stalked away. Alucard's frown deepened.

"She wouldn't have done that if I was in my proper body," he muttered darkly.

"Seras?" came a voice from down the hall.

Alucard looked up, saw who it was, then turned and ran as fast as physically possible. Which, seeing as he was a vampire, was quite fast.

Pip stared after him, "Am I zat bad at kissing?"

שּﭏשּ

Seras Victoria was seriously contemplating suicide. She thought of the various ways she could do it with a very calm demeanor. It was not until she realized that, being a vampire, suicide was much more difficult, that she lost her composure.

"Why?!" she screamed at nothing in particular.

Of course, she was then reminded of her new manliness. This did not help her general depression and it put even more of a damper on her thoughts of suicide. Everyone would have believed that Alucard had killed himself and Alucard would forever be trapped in her body. This would make him angry. Seras was very scared of making him angry. She knew that if anyone could reach into the afterlife and torment someone from earth, it would be him.

Being Alucard's body brought up another good point. Could she even kill herself? Alucard was immortal after all. After her encounter with Father Anderson, she knew that being stabbed through the heart would not kill her. However, she was unsure about whether or not willfully taking her life would have any affect. She was tempted to test it, but her fear of succeeding and brining Alucard's wrath upon her stayed her hand.

"This sucks," she growled, staring at a stone wall. The wall said nothing. Seras sighed deeply. "What did Pip have to go kissing him for anyway?"she mused aloud. This, of course, was the reason she had been considering suicide. "It's not like he was being particularly seductive or anything. Screaming for his hat like a great twat." She frowned.

Suddenly, there was a rather loud pounding on the door.

"Seras! Seras! Open up!" cried her own voice. She glowered at the door.

"Why should I?" she replied irritably.

"Because he's after me! Please!" Alucard screamed. Seras rolled her eyes and strolled over to the door. She opened and stared as Alucard tumbled through and landed face-first on the ground with a rather loud smack. This did not seem to faze him for he simply began to do the worm to get out of the doorway. Seras blinked and closed the door after him.

"Who's after you?" she asked when Alucard had finally stood up and brushed himself off.

"Pip, of course," Alucard replied with mild surprise, "Who else?"

Seras's glower immediately returned.

"Maybe I should go," said Alucard, noticing her expression. Seras nodded briskly.

Alucard spun on his heel and exited the room, heading off to the chamber that Seras usually inhabited. It felt weird being kicked out of his own room. He really wished that he could have his own body back. This whole punishment thing was really getting old.

He reached the room and stepped inside. For a moment he just stood there and looked around. He could not shake the oddest feeling. He felt as though something great was ending, and this made him undeniably depressed.

He eyed the bed in the corner and decided that he would sleep his problems away. He strolled over to the bed and lay down and within minutes, was fast asleep.

שּﭏשּ

Alucard woke with a start, covered in sweat. He had just had the strangest dream. In it, he had been put into Seras's body, while she was put into his. He quickly clambered out of his coffin and looked down to check that he really was in the right body.

With a sigh he noticed that everything was perfect.

"Good," he muttered, "Because that would be awful."

At that moment Sir Integra's voice rang through the manor.

"ALUCARD!" she screamed.

"Yes, master?" he replied, appearing through the floor of her office. He was impossibly relieved that he could still do that.

"I'm sick of your childish games, Alucard," Integra said while glancing at papers on her desk. "I'm afraid I'll have to punish you."

Alucard frowned. Why did that seem familiar? "Punish?" he asked with slight hesitation.

Integra gave him a stern look. "Punish," she confirmed.

"And may I ask, how are you going to…uh…'punish' me?" he inquired, fearing what the answer would be.

"You may ask. But I'd rather just show you," she held up the pen and pointed it at Alucard.

Alucard stared. "You're kidding," he said finally.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't _dream_ of it," Integra said rather evilly, "Do you like plants, Alucard?"

"…I suppose so." He was feeling incredibly shaky now. There was no way that this could be happening.

"How 'bout that one?" she gestured to the plant in the corner.

"It's…very pretty…." Alucard murmured. How could this be happening? How? Maybe he could still fix it. "Look, Master, I know I've been really annoying at times and I've given you a lot of trouble, but I really am sorry. I sincerely hope that you'll forgive me." He got down on one knee and bowed his head, praying that she would accept his apology.

Sir Integra said nothing for a time. "Alright," she replied finally, "I will accept your apology. However, if you put one toe out of line, I will not hesitate to teach you a lesson." She fingered the pen lovingly.

Alucard looked up. "Of course, Miss Hellsing. I understand completely."

She nodded. "Good. Now, stay here a moment. I want to show you something."

Alucard nodded once again and stood. She placed the pen carefully on the desk and walked out of the room to get whatever she wanted to show him. Not a minute after she had left, Seras walked in.

"Oh, hello, Alucard," she said, smiling nervously at him. He leered at her for a moment but then, remembering his dream, stopped and gave her a simple smile.

"Hello, Police Girl. How are you today?" he asked kindly.

"Well, enough," she replied looking around, "Do you know where Sir Integra has got off too?"

"Afraid I don't, but she should be back in a minute," Alucard responded watching with slight unease as she walked over to the desk and picked up the pen.

"Oh, this is fancy," Seras murmured, turning it over in her fingers. Alucard nodded and took a step away. "I wonder what this button does." She pointed the pen in Alucard's general direction and pushed the button.

"No!" Alucard cried, but it was too late. A blue light was admitted from the pen and immediately surrounded him. Seras gasped and turned pale. She frantically tried to turn the light off, but only succeeded in turning the beam purple.

After about five minutes, the light stopped and Alucard lay unconscious on the floor. Seras groaned. She heard a thump outside and knew that Sir Integra was on her way back. She swore and looked around for a place to hide Alucard. Quickly, she found a spot and had just tucked him away when Sir Integra entered the room, carrying a small, silver camera.

"Where's Alucard?" she asked, looking about the room vaguely.

"I have no idea," replied Seras.

The plant next to her rustled its leaves angrily.

"Oh well," Integra shrugged, "So, what do you need?"

"Well, Sir. It's the Wild Geese…"

שּﭏשּ

The End.


End file.
